That's a beautiful still life right there isn't it? Still death I suppose you'd call it. Turns out you can still smoke in bars in Orlando, something I learned when I traveled there last week for a quickie business trip, stories and pictures from which I will now regale you with. Those of you who follow me on and may have seen some of these already in your news feed, because nothing in my life actually ever happened if I didn't post about it on social media. By the way, 'news feed' sounds like something you spread on the ground for jowly white dudes in shitty blazers to peck at in their news cages doesn't it?
By the way part two, was confused for the longest time about why there were so many weiner kids running around all over the place on the flight to Orlando and in the airport down there. Some kind of snot-nosed brat convention I guess?
Most Florida thing I've seen in a while. This gym smelled like dog too, but everyone was super nice. Actually, almost everyone I encountered down there was super nice. Almost suspiciously so. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO HIDE FLORIDA? Everything smells like obnoxious disinfectants down here. Feels like you're chilling inside a bindle of shitty coke.
HEY LOOK GUYS I FOUND THE MOST DEPRESSING PLACE ON EARTH. It's a King of Kong arcade at the Orlando airport. There was a dad in there playing ski-ball with his son. The son was really happy about it and seemed like he didn't care about anything else in the world. Sounds happy rather than depressing, right? But think about how much disappointment that human person still has to look forward to in the rest of his likely to be long and uneventful life? It's probably all downhill from here isn't it? My dad used to take me to a place called Starland in Hanover. He would give me a $5 bill to trade in for tokens. It was magical, that $5 bill. Felt like it would last forever. Only other thing I remember about my childhood is that sometimes he, or my grandmother, would drive me to New England Comics in Plymouth and sit outside while I spent an hour fingering through the boxes and boxes of comic books. My grandmother would be outside in her little red Toyota doing whatever it is grandmothers do. She gave me that car years later, and I drove it around the city for a long time, accumulating dozens of parking tickets which would end up piling up under her name. Then she died. The moral of the story is, I'm an ungrateful little shit, and I always was.
Thought the cab from the airport was taking me in circles after seeing the same Denny's/Pepboys/Public Storage place like seven times in a row. Turns out that's just Florida.
Obviously Florida wasn't founded by god damn Puritans. I found this bar in the downtown district of Orlando. It was a super weird vibe all over the place there. Carpets don't match the drapes if you feel me. This bar The Independent, and the one next door, BBQ Bar, were this amazing blend of super-hipster kids hanging out in a dive bar gunning butts and drinking PBR while giant black bouncers that you'd see in your average slick nightclub patrolled the place and DJs played shitty hip hop mash up music really fucking loud. It was like they took the idea of a couple different bars they wanted to open,but ran out of space so they said, ah fuck it, just throw it all in the blender, these idiots won't know the difference. They didn't! Yo was crabcore/crunkwave/screamo/everythingwave invented in Florida, becuase I 'get' that shit now.
I was chilling at the hotel bar before I went out and this loud old lady offered me a slice of her pizza and it made me depressed so I left.
Took this photo of the roof pool at my hotel about five minutes before I was supposed to be downstairs for a breakfast meeting. Fuck it, I'm going in the drink, I thought. Gambled and won too, because my colleague was running late as well. Water was freezing though. Come on Florida, get your shit together. Side note: everyone talks about how great hotel sex is, but feel like hotel jerking off gets overlooked in all the hype.
This twitchy guy in a wifebeater next to me at the bar would not sit down and eat his sandwich. Kept jumping up to take a phone call every five seconds in between peeling off dollar bills to give to the servers every time they brought him, like, ketchup or something. Vito Corleone with a zitty back over here. DUDE EAT YOUR SANDWICH. THAT SHIT LOOKS TASTY AND IT'S GOING TO GET COLD.
"Sandwich Without Bro", another still life. For real though, my man here asked for so many sauces. So many. What's his end game here?
SEE WHAT I MEAN. THERE HE GO RIGHT THERE. ON THE PHONE AND SHIT.
This area was kind of super cute if you manage to crop out all of the wasted chicks getting piggyback rides down the sidewalk from guys in pink polo shirts. "Give me a piggy back" is really code language for cum on my back with your pig-like phallus, right? Been a while since anyone has asked me for one.
Lots of tall skinny dudes in winter caps own here. This dude reminded me of our man Walter Cornelius, and not just because he's from Orlando. What's that all about by the way Walt?
So the thing I was doing was working on the editorial side of this social marketing company that was generating sports content or some shit. I had to interview Dwight Howard the NBA superstar about working out, and how young athletes can bla bla bla. It was cool, I guess, but it invovled a lot of sitting around all day while they shot footage for an Adidas commercial, and waiting for my allotted time. Lots of rules too. German Adidas bro in charge of the set up got mad at me for having a Nike bag. I kind of laughed it off. "No, I'm serious. That bag is not coming in there," he said. Woopsie. PA or gaffer or whatever had to come out with black electrical tape to cover up the logo on my luggage. Branding awareness I think that's called.
I mostly spent the whole time trying not to take a shit in Howard's dressing room right before he went in there to get changed.
I like how in Florida they've got weird nightmare dinosaur plants just growing all over the fucking place out of nowhere. Speaking of which, there was this 75 year old guy next to me on the place with a huge zit. GOD IS CRUEL AND INDIFFERENT.
Sat in this little tent all day hiding from the sun like a mole-man.
Here's the gym where Howard works out. I didn't take any photos of him because it felt douchey and I am a total pro. Just here to do a job, sirs and madames.
It takes a shit load of people to make any sort of video or photo shoot happen. I kind of like being put in my place a little bit on these type of things, and like the one I did with the Bruins a while back. Since I'm always talking shit about how photography isn't actually a real thing, (as should be obvious by the shitty ones I take) it's a nice change of pace to be reminded that writing and words and editorial content is so far behind making images happen in the order of importance that it almost doesn't even exist. HAHA cute little word-man, we're making the magic of images happen here. You'll have your chance to do your little talking thing later.
Then I went to Vermont the next day for a wedding. Going to a wedding with your wife's co-workers is always awkward because you have to meet all the people in the stories you didn't pay attention to all year.
THE MOST VERMONT THING I'VE EVER SEEN. It's a jazz band playing at a cafe in the middle of the day. Singer was mad nervous and kept asking people to bring her a glass of wine. Like a joke at first, but then she was like, "No, I'm serious, someone get me some wine." Someone did.
"Cheese plate in near future cheese plate in near future." -Me during the wedding ceremony. All wedding ceremonies always actually. I was a fucking seagull at this cheese plate, snatching hell of beakfulls of hummus and shit.
Just chilling by the fire with a bottle of red, looking mad sketchy and gross. Why do you ask?
Here was the wedding band. Just kidding, this was The Story So Far last night at Royale, who I haven't stopped talking about for like a year now.
THOSE KIDS ARE GOING TO GET SOMEONE HURT. -an old guy in a mosh pit.
Feels bad to be really into bands that are literally like 15 years younger than you. :/
brought to you by
16 comments:
Did he finish the sandwich?
So, no blowjobs or macarena moves to get into that show this time. Ultra-skeezy picture by the fireplace. I'm guessing your wife made you sleep in that exact spot after realizing what you looked like.
yo, they were super nice at Royale all around this time. Maybe they're all on lock down and shit.
Haha, yea, she didn't make me sleep on the floor, but she did steal all the fucking blankets all night so I froze my ass off. Close enough.
Dude ate half the sandwich, then wrapped the other half up to go. He spilled his Bud Light all over the bar while he was trying to wrap it up. Mad nervous all around. Miss that guy already sometimes.
Growing up in Orlando gave me the idea that there are only 12 different people. I happen to be the tall, winter-cap wearing type. NOT BY CHOICE.
What're the other types?
Your seemingly endless supply of hoodies should've helped there.
Sandwich guy LOVES his condiments. In his defense, Crystal is a fantastic hot sauce.
Man can never have too many hoodies, no doubt.
bro-dude, Creed edition
bro-dude, Tribe Called Quest edition
drunk-girl, stilettos edition
drunk-girl, sleeve tattoos edition
gay bro-dude, beefy gym rat edition
indie guy who looks like nick drake, plays the flute, has a super hot gf, but makes out w/ dudes
homeless schizophrenic, shorts edition
homeless schizophrenic, overcoat edition
gutter-punk, what's that smell edition (some overlap with the homeless shizophrenics)
DJs former skateboarder edition
My mom and dad
Tall guys with winter caps, ecstasy problem edition
haha, that sounds like it about covers it.
i ate half a sandwich in florida once. it was from a subway. pretty much the just the hits version of my trip to florida summary.
What was the sandwich though?
italian. had to tell the dude how to make it too.
EXTRA HOTS AND OIL AND VINEGAR PAL
Dwight is one huge black buck.
Pretty cool pics you got there mate! I was looking for ways to trendy up my delray storage and your page just gave me some bright ideas. Cheers!
Post a Comment