What's Colombia like? I have no idea because I'm an American, which gives me a license to be a fucking moron. Astrid Harders, on the other hand, lives in Bogotá where she is a journalist, a position she definitely, 100% has because she worked for me at the Dig many years ago, and I taught her everything she ever needed to know about being a reporter by asking her and the rest of the kids to leave me alone all day and just go find something to do on the computer over there. That's called mentoring. I asked her to explain her entire country in a few images and words, but mostly images. I figured it was all cocaína y culos, but that's because I'm racist I guess.
It is of the highest importance that you get rid of all the things you think you know, or you actually know, about Colombia. And even before that, the seemingly obvious shall forever be engraved in your brains: the country I live in is Colombia, with an “o”, not a “u”; not as in Columbia Pictures, also not as in British Columbia or Columbia University. Colombia, the nation in the North of South America, shall always be written with an “o."
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It is then of less importance, but still very popular among a vast and strange group of people, to note that not all women in Colombia have Shakira´s hips and Sofía Vergara´s boobs. Then again, neither do all of the women in any other country. So there you go.
Nonetheless, if you must, this is the prime Colombian diva, if the entire country is doing the math correctly, she is 55 years old. This photo was taken in February of 2012. She´s not exactly known for being the kindest and sweetest, so I´m not telling you her name:
Finally, it must be noted that 98 per cent of the people I know here in Colombia, a) are not related to a drug lord and/or b) have not been kidnapped.
That leaves us with every-day reality:
In Colombia we do not play beer pong, rarely do body shots, nor film the female part of the population as it goes wild. Instead we pay for a case of beer that gives us the privilege of renting a court, on which we play a game named tejo.
The goal of tejo is to throw a steel disc into a mud ramp. [EDITOR'S NOTE: heh-heh] The mud ramp has a steel ring dug into it and that ring supports several small paper triangles containing harmless explosives. Seriously. So all you have to do is throw the chunky disk (picture an obese hockey puck or just look at the second picture below) into the mud ramp and, hopefully, make a triangle explode. The disk is heavy, the ramp is far away and the genuine difficulty lies in balancing the arm that throws the disk with an opposite arm that holds a beer bottle. You can find a tejo court in practically any village in Colombia. Forget bocce, this is cheaper and more humbling that you will ever know. Last I checked, this was a national sport.
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The ramp where things explode.
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The tejo you have to throw in order to make things explode.
In Bogotá, the capital of Colombia, we live 2600 meters above sea level. That amounts to, about, 8600 feet. Which, in turn, translates into thinner oxygen, shortness of breath and dizziness for all tourists. When I say we, I mean roughly 8 million people, who manage to get to work and back in cars, buses, cabs, on motorcycles, bicycles and by foot, no canoes, stop asking that. This is what traffic usually looks like:
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All over the streets you can find women and men with dangling cell phones on their sides. You´re supposed to borrow one of those phones, make a presumably urgent call and pay that woman or man for each minute of conversation. Talk is indeed cheap, the man in the photograph charges 100 pesos, about $5 cents of a US dollar, per minute.
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Personally, I would like to not applaud the ad agencies that have a big budget in Colombia but instead, would like to recognize those resourceful enterprises you see on the street every day, like this one:
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Colombian food is as similar to Mexican food as American football is to football as known in the UK (the order of the comparison is completely irrelevant). Some highlights you should eat when here, not necessarily because they´re all scrumptious:
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“Lechona” is a stuffed pig very popular at soccer games, concerts or just… any location, wherever there are enough people to finish it.
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”Pitaya” is a fruit that guarantees super exciting bowel movements.
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“Mani Moto” and “Chocoramo” are the world´s most incredible snacks. That´s really all you need to know, no further discussion.
And now, a few animals and places that actually exist:
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A pink dolphin. It swims in the Amazon river. Not in the ocean.
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An Andean tapir, accompanied by absolutely no lame comment regarding the shape of its nose.
For anybody who expected drug adventures, this has nothing to do with psychedelic substances. This is a river that, due to its bottom, shines with these real colors. Look it up under
The Lost City (“Ciudad Perdida”) in the Sierra Nevada (a group of mountains that includes jungle and borders with the beach). The historical explanation, with its still existing indigenous tribes, is too long and interesting for this, just book a flight.
And finally, my house in Bogotá. My bedroom is the bottom middle window in the white building on the right of the church. Of course not. This is one of four sides of the Plaza de Bolívar, the Central Square, where the mayor and the president go to work.
Now I´ve gone and left out all the fancy restaurants, hip designers, talented bands, clever authors and admirable athletes. That's because, evidently, it's impossible to depict an entire third-world country in a blog post. I don´t know what Luke was thinking. All I know is he said he´d pay me with some hot PTSOTL t-shirt. So whoever reads this, come visit me in Colombia and bring the shirt. Muchas gracias.
-ASTRID HARDERS
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6 comments:
Yeah but what about the coke?
This is a good, refreshing post. I had a "green card marriage" with a man from Bogota, he was my best friend and one of the coolest people I ever met.
What happened?
You left the gilf's name on the photo details.
It's Amparo Grisales apparently.
https://www.google.com/search?q=amparo+grisales&um=1&ie=UTF-8&hl=en&tbm=isch&source=og&sa=N&tab=wi&ei=ipFnT5ePLeeS0QHioKmpCA&biw=1096&bih=756&sei=jpFnT_WGEeXq0gHQ-oS-CA
Do I win £5?
FORGOT TO SAY THAT IF YOU LIVE IN SOME WEIRD PLACE THAT DOESN'T = BOSTON AMERICA AND WANT TO TELL US ABOUT IT LET ME KNOW.
This article is actually very insightful. I know there's a country called Colombia, where it's located and it's capital. That was essentially all I knew. Everything else just blew my mind. Pink dolphins, red rivers, fire cracker games!?!?! This place is badass.
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