Jake Zavracky writes songs and complains about things real nice like. He previously wrote , and Deconstructing the 8tz: Huey Lewis and the News and a study in obliviousness. He doesn't like this new Absolut vodka ad very much.
If you identify with any aspect of Absolut’s new ad campaign, which features robotic greyhounds racing around a barren desert while a group of what appear to be modern day Hitler youth in costume masks look on, you are not my type of person. Aside from Absolute, more on which in a minute, there are several items that I have noticed, as a bartender, are ordered exclusively by assholes. The most notable of these is Heineken. I have never sold a person a Heineken without spending the rest of the night trying to avoid any further interaction or even eye contact with that person. Anyone who would spend more money to drink a shitty beer that, in the rare case it isn't skunked, tastes like it has been strained through a discarded feminine napkin is not my type of person.
Another of these drinks is a chilled shot. Intrinsically I don’t have any problem with the idea of a chilled shot. It just happens that the person who orders a chilled shot is always also an asshole. They are also, often, for some reason, from Michigan.
Any drink made with cola is an asshole drink. This is especially true for drinks made with cola ordered by people over the age 30. If you started drinking alcohol two weeks ago, you may have an acceptable excuse to order a drink made with cola. If you have graduated from your initial two weeks of drinking, it would be best for you to find something new to drink, or face being punished with my disdainful stares. There will be an additional punishment for anyone who orders a drink made with cola and asks for a lime, which will be additional disdainful stares.
You’re not necessarily an asshole if you order Absolut Vodka, but you’re definitely not a very well informed person. If you can identify any reason why Absolut is preferable to whatever plastic bottle of shitty turpentine vodka is in the well, my hat is off to you. And I'm not even wearing a hat.
Absolut recently launched a flavor called "Absolut Brooklyn by Spike Lee", because, as everyone is aware, when you think vodka, you think Spike Lee. Absolut Brooklyn tastes exactly like apples and what I imagine dog urine tastes like mixed together with the usual shitty taste of regular Absolut Vodka.
Absolut’s aforementioned new ad, which capitalizes on the recent popularity of greyhound racing in trust fund youth circles, is a flurry of eyeball-fucking images and ear-fucking sounds. It also cross promotes an act called Swedish House Mafia; “Swedish”, “house” and “mafia” being three words that definitely don’t belong together, especially the "mafia" part, if you consider that these young men are making the gayest music imaginable while donning what appear to be neon scuba diving outfits. It's hard to imagine them getting past the interview stage with the real mafia.
On the soundtrack, the soul-less house music plays. In the foreground, a group of greyhounds that look to have been animated by the people who ruined Tron forever get ready to race. In the background, looking on, is a group comprised exclusively of objectionable people. A dog loses his footing, and one of the Hitler youth looks thrilled. About a dog falling. Who wouldn't admire that person and want to drink what they’re drinking? This goes on for a while as you wonder why anyone would be as enthralled as the background music suggests they ought to be while watching three dogs run around the desert. Finally the commercial ends and the moral of the story is drink Absolut vodka with grapefruit juice.
It’s difficult to say who the target group for this ad might be, and those persons are probably not endeavoring to my type of person anyway. But in a way I'm a little sad that I will never get the chance to know them because of their refusal to cooperate.
--JAKE ZAVRACKY
--JAKE ZAVRACKY
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10 comments:
someone ordered a captain and cranberry from me the other day. just to reiterate, that's captain morgan with cranberry juice.
captain and anything. cola and anything. cranberry and anything.
Heineken and cola please.
hhaa. oof. you've invented the grossest cocktail ever
Hah! So, Heineken is usually skunked? That totally explains it! I've always hated it ( though I like other German beers, lighter beers, etc) & wondered what is the appeal.
I do enjoy a rum and coke with lime when on a sunny vacation ( Cuba Libre, no?)
Hah! So, Heineken is usually skunked? That totally explains it! I've always hated it ( though I like other German beers, lighter beers, etc) & wondered what is the appeal.
I do enjoy a rum and coke with lime when on a sunny vacation ( Cuba Libre, no?)
whose (who's?) feminine napkins have you been straining your heiniken with. god i can't spell. who cares though right? heikiken does blow for the record, i just wanted to ask that.
yeah jake, good question.
Is it?
ursy
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