As you probably know, I spend a lot of time for my "real job" talking to bartenders about the super important artistry of putting one thing in a glass next to another. Most of those people work in respectable cocktail bars where you can expect patrons to be on their best behavior most of the time. Our surly bartending corespondent Lizzie Havoc, however, isn't always so lucky (via working in Allston bars frequented by poor young hipsers and bros). She writes in with this handy guide to being a douche at her bar. or follow her .
“It’s so easy”, your 9-5 eyes say, filled with pity for us poor barkeeps. We couldn’t possibly have chosen this life, this sad night owl existence of making drinks and never really getting ahead, but we did. We choose it because underneath all the muck and grime, we’re a family. We are forever united over that sad look in your cubicle ridden-early-to-rise eyes, and we live for this shit, because when we look back, we confidently know that we are in fact, on the winning side.
But it’s not always that simple to make us hate you. Sometimes it’s more than just your sad look considering our clearly bleak and futureless existence. Some people compound it by acting like assholes. The question is, are you one of those people? Yes, of course you are, but would it kill you to at least pretend not to be for a while? Say, for like the couple minutes you have to interact with the person serving you your happy juice?
This is exactly what it looks like to be a bar asshole. If you ever think you’re funny by ripping my money up and putting it in a glass of water, you are a huge douche. Right up there with people who jam their 17 napkins into their water cup, necessitating the jaws of life to pry it out. Put your napkin on your plate or leave it on the bar like everybody else.
Crumpled up coasters. Seriously. What are you doing? You look like a serial killer ripping up bits of cardboard into neat little piles. The people you’re with don't seem to notice, which is odd. Are you building a nest? Stop it.
A pile of change isn’t a tip or any sort of payment. You look like a homeless jerk with those dimes and nickels and pennies. Take that shit to CoinStar.
“Make me something fun or fruity” is one of the most manageable yet irritating things a bartender could possibly hear. How do you not know what you like to drink? At a bar? How about a Sex on the Beach?! It’s brand new and totally pink, you’ll love it. Put some fruit in there and the fun just can’t be contained.
Stop asking “What’s your cheapest beer?” It makes you sound like a tool and is a good indication that you’re probably going to pay in nickels and pennies.
“Strong Islands” are not real. It’s a Long Island Iced Tea. Or a Long Island. Don’t make dumb shit up and expect me not to give you a quizzical look even though I’m 99.9% sure I know what you mean.
Requesting no ice in your drink and thinking it means you’re getting more booze is stupid. What it means is that you’re getting a warm beverage with the same amount of liquor but even more soda or juice. It will not taste good, and we laugh because you wanted it that way.
Please do not reach into my fruit tray to suckle the olives or eat an orange. Your hands are dirty. What’s funny is that at 2am, while you’re drunkenly eating the olives when you think I’m not looking, I’m sober and remembering how I put them in that tray at 10am and those olives are wicked fucking gross.
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15 comments:
Nobody actually does that with change, do they?
"Take that shit to CoinStar." Haha! Love this.
Should probably make an effort not to leave your snotty-used tissues and napkins on the bar to be picked up by someone else too, just a thought.
You know what consistently amazes me as a bartender is the amount of times people saddle up to the bar, order a drink and then turn away without paying for it, forcing me to have to explain that the drink costs money. I don't think I should have to be polite on that situation. Doesn't seem fair.
The tissue thing is gross.
Never seen anyone eat out of the cocktail station, that is disgusting.
You know what consistently amazes me as a bartender is the amount of times people saddle up to the bar, order a drink and then turn away without paying for it, forcing me to have to explain that the drink costs money. I don't think I should have to be polite on that situation. Doesn't seem fair.
The tissue thing is gross.
Never seen anyone eat out of the cocktail station, that is disgusting.
how about asking a bartender for bottom shelf whiskey, or bottom shelf anything? Is that douchey and pretentious? I NEED TO KNOW
I think saying "whiskey sour" (or whatever) "well is fine." is the way to do it.
I feel like there are a lot of articles about how not to be a douchebag to your waitress or bartender. I don't see many about how not to piss off your cashier at Stop & Shop, or whatever. Why is it such a big deal specifically to walk on eggshells with your bartender? They chose to work with the public, you kind of have to deal with the bullshit that comes with that, right? You get an extra dollar for every cap you pop off a beer bottle, STOP CRYING SISSIES!
Not that I think it's OK to be an asshole to them, I'm just saying.
Good point. I think it's for the following reason:
- most bartenders, aside from the really good career ones, and then even them, tend to be people with liberal arts college educated backgrounds? so there more apt to be the type of people who write for/read blogs? whereas, wtf knows what a cashier is up to? is that racist?
In my experience, most cashiers are annoying. Except me when I've been a cashier. Not every bartender is a peach either though.
write about being a cashier if you like. all complaints welcome!
Pls call all of the male bartndrs at Middle East "boss" and wave your hands in the air at a busy show. THEY LOVE THAT, ESPECIALLY DAVE! Also, why take 2 napkins to a)wipe your nose, b.)wipe jizz of your pants c.) pick up like 3 drops of water that YOU spilled on the bar when you can GRAB THE WHOLE STACK OF EXPENSIVE COCKTAIL NAPKINS! What are we, Dunkin Donuts? SRY we don't have a styrofoam cup for your cocktail because it's TOO COLD. Use 300 napkins for wrapping around your drink!
The only people thinking bartenders are poor underachievers looked down upon with sad eyes, are those bartenders with low selfesteam about their own self precieved social status. when we get out of our sad 9-5's, and head to the bar, the last thing on our mind is how your life of paying minimal taxes and clearing 50-80k a year with minimal job responsibility is going. We're there to blow off steam after our own 12 hour work days. I'm so sick of seeing posts about how to treat your bartender. etc. News Flash: Bartenders are not special, and deserve the same basic level of respect as everyone else does, no more. You chose a profession where you're paid to make sure the customers have a great time and come back. THAT'S why we tip you, not because you're automatically entitled to it, just for standing on the otherside of the bar, and making me wait 10 minutes for a beer while you tap away on your phone, and chit chat down at the service bar. Or, shooting me a dirty look if my lady friend asks your advice on what to drink. So, stop whining, or get a job outside of the service industry. I can't wait for someone to make one of those posts about "how not to be a self-entitled, DBag Bartender". Get over yourselves and realize you're no better than the rest of us.
'lady friend' ... LOL
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