Matt Parish is a writer and a musician in the Boston band Ho-Ag, players of only the choicest, mint-est equipment and or gear. He was wondering what the most credibility-destroying instruments are. Here are his findings in this super fun listicle/numbered post via pageviews.
It’s easy to point out goofy instruments that well-meaning people with no taste are playing lately, so that’s what I’ve done here. I should note that one common bond between most of these instruments is that people who are actually skilled at music generally love them, so think twice before using this as a personal no-wish list. This is just stuff to use as an excuse to not like bands or even particular members of a band in a way that avoids having to actually listen to their music (a handy shortcut).
Conversely, there are so many bands with great taste in equipment but mega-bland abilities in doing anything with it that I sure wouldn’t mind seeing someone at least giving it a shot on a Chapman Stick. Maybe you should learn it and become the only guy in town that can play the Chapman Stick. That’s the kind of thing you can put on your flyers.
This musical scoop was so delicious that I saved it just for Luke’s blog!
Parker Fly Deluxe Guitar
As an impressionable young dude-person flipping through guitar magazines in the ‘90s, you probably noticed this Star Trek: The Next Generation-looking thing getting played by the guy from David Bowie’s Nine Inch Nails-era band. “Bet it gets great sustain and a solid hybrid acoustic tone,” you thought. Professionals love these guitars because of their fancy pickups, super light weight, and smooth fret action, so I guess that makes this kind of the sweat pants and orthopedic shoes of the guitar world.
Chapman Stick
Hey, I just mentioned this one a little bit ago. Guys from the ‘70s would be super disappointed if they were around today and saw how much we ignore the awesome advances in music they made back then. Not only is there apparently no time anymore to write epic prog-rock anthems and hire dudes like Sonny from Xanadu to paint space traveling album covers, but we also forgot how to use stuff like the Chapman Stick. “Forgot” is a convenient word I guess. Alive and well at music schools and in the Blue Man Group.
Steinberger
I’m on the fence about this one, but judging from a ton (7) of people I talked to, this is apparently the one thing that Devo failed to make cool. Also here’s a video I wish I hadn’t seen of the guy from Tool’s old band which is about as bad as you’d think even if you didn’t know that there were two Steinbergers in it (I think?).
Didjeridoo
Am I supposed to do a joke about bongs? Your old college is probably still paying a guy to come do concerts on the didjeridoo.
Ibanez JEM555
This is a stand-in for all kinds of artist-trademark thingies that are sort of the on-stage equivalent of walking around the playground in a Michael Jackson Thriller jacket like I used to do. I mean things like that Zakk Wylde bulls-eye Les Paul, a Slayer/Slipknot-style BC Rich Warlock (although these look badass and if you disagree, you’re a wimp), or a bendy-looking trumpet like everyone’s hero, Dizzy Gillespie. There’s a whole long line of Steve Vai-designed JEMs, but even people who love JEMs seem to look down on the 555 because it’s made in Korea. On the upside, it still has that trademark built-in hand grip so you can use your guitar like brass knuckles when you meet a blogger in real life.
Melodica
Actually, no one can get enough of this dealie, still.
Splash Cymbal
SPLISHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! PEEEEESCHHH! PRAAANNNGG! Sometimes drummers are like hanging out with your baby niece that just learned how to walk and keeps bringing you things from the other room – blocks, spoons, forks, potatoes, bottles of shampoo, clumps of kitty litter – that you don’t know what to do with. Except with drummers, it’s like, “splash cymbal.” Remember that the cool uncle thing to do here is to say “Thanks, that’s just what I was looking for!”
Wood blocks
Hand Operated Vocal Effects Box Duct-Taped to the Mic Stand
Come on -- you can do this with an iPad attached to the stand with a clip now, guys, jeeeeeez!
Five String Bass
Hard to believe this principle is still contested by bands onstage daily, but then again you really can get some pretty sick low-end out of that extra string so it might be time to give up on this argument.
Laptop from Dell
My bad -- I used this at my first “DJ” thing recently and when it was my turn to go, the computer suddenly started installing Windows updates.
--MATT PARISH
--MATT PARISH
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20 comments:
pieces of musical e-shitment more like.
No love (hate?) for the Keytar? Easily the most credibility-destroyingest piece of gear ever devised. Although Herbie Hancock really killed it on Rockit back in the early 80s.
And don't hate on the Chapman Stick; when played properly, it sounds amazing. Dig on Gordian Knot for proof:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2UkQudlLiI
Was that supposed to make me like the chapman stick or not? Couldn't tell.
Ableton Live?
Hell yeah it was Luke, quit playin' games with my heart.
In case you need further convincing, there's a great Canadian Band called Blue Quarter that uses one:
http://www.myspace.com/bluequarter
I still love the melodica. In its defense, I offer Gang of Four, Gorillaz, and Augustus Pablo, and note that no instrument in the hands of someone sporting the hair and t-shirt of "Joel from Inconsiderate Parking" could ever look cool.
Where do we all stand on the talk box these days?
I reckon wearing sunglasses indoors is pretty fatal for credibility. Why the hate for Tool? They rock and the pre-Tool footage is pretty catchy.
I guess I couldn't think of a reason to really hate the keytar. Again, Devo saves this instrument, not to mention every performance in "Purple Rain." Melodica is pretty cool despite every aspect of its being -- that's the thing. I put it down because it seemed like an obvious choice but then it was clearly not that way. Although I'd say its uses have gotten less and less forgivable as time has passed.
U crazy if you like that pre-Tool video.
Oops check me out ^^^ using a really old "Blogger" account on accident.
Colour me mentally ill (because my musical tastes differ from yours).
Good point.
You seem like you have good taste typically P, although I forget what trash you were talking about Oasis the other day on Twitter, but in this matter you are deemed insane by the court of me, and hereby sentenced to listen to, uh, shit, being a guy with horrible taste I don't even know what a universally accepted "quality music guy thing" would be to suggest.
I can't hate on Mr Parish too much; I'm listening to Dengue Fever right now thanks to his interview. But that Keenan song is awesome! A little research tells me it's called Mandango Lover by Children of the Anachronistic Dynasty:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7aRxiVWa4o
Awwwww yeah. No comment on the instrument thing cos I'm no musician but - Dengue Fever! Chhom brings out my yellow fever. I saw them in Denver 3 years ago. Got to meet Zac. Seeing Hands still gives me chills. Imma white knight the shit outa you, PK. And always one for O'Neil since he's insanely jealous and will kill us both.
Shhhhhh....be cool, here he comes.
heh heh.
There must have been compelling reasons for overlooking the soprano sax, bagpipes, penny whistle, recorder, pan flute, accordion, hurdy gurdy, glockenspiel, electro-theremin & rhythm egg. I assume this post was some kind of rough draft?
"I assume this post was some kind of rough draft?" - everyone reading any blog ever
But yeah, I think all of those things you mention aren't really used to much as the ones above in the actual making of music perhaps? Rhythm eggs are bad ass!
No mention of the cájon? It's just a stupid wooden crate you slap @ w/your hands. "Playing" one makes you look like a gorilla in an American Tourister ad. You definitely should have put that shit on the list (so do I owe you some kind of a royalty now or is that fair use?)
The sad thing is that because of that story by David Lowery on the internet this week, no musicians will be able to afford any of this stuff anyway soon so what's the point?
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