Mandy, aka Manderson, aka a newly single person, aka a total loser because of that apparently?, is getting lots of advice about how to deal with being single -- most of it is dumb.
Some people love to proclaim how stellar it is to be single, whether it's because they love fucking everything that breathes, or they have amazing careers that make them a bajillion dollars and/or eat up every second of their time, or they're total narcissists who think no one will ever reach their level of rad. Whatever. Good for them, the lucky bastards. I say, however: fuck that noise. Here's why.
1. Casual sex is overrated.
Kinda like a ride at an amusement park: Fun for the ten seconds where you got the adrenaline rush and the flushed cheeks, but all you've got to show for yourself is a funny smell and messy hair -- and really, is putting yourself at risk for a wide range of infections and ruined clothing worth the price of admission? Serious question. Also, isn't the lovey-dovey post-coital snuggling (rare for a casual hook-up) half the fun? No? Just me? OK. This could be one of those "grass is greener" things.
1.a. Regular casual sex is actually not that easy to come by (Easy! Come by! Hah!).
Unless you're repressed/judgmental or religious (in which case, go ahead and pat yourself on the back in self-righteousness), you've probably been compelled to have a mediocre one-night stand at some point. That's OK. Orgasms for everyone (hopefully)! But how many of you have been able to sustain long-term hookups that didn't go horribly awry? Inevitably, someone gets attached, someone gets flaky due to his drug problem, someone meets his future spouse and pretends you never existed. Or maybe he finds someone hotter than you to bang and texts you only when she's unavailable. Not that I've ever experienced that or anything. ::cough::
Related: There are all these stereotypes about how dudes can't casually hook up with a girl without her trying to force them into the boyfriend role (CUZ BITCHES BE CRAY CRAY AMIRITE) and that dudes haaaaaaaaate playing games and want women to be straightforward about what they want. I call bullshit. Not that, um, I've experienced anything related to that either. Seriously though, stop making everything so goddamned complicated, you guys. Remember how we discussed orgasms for everyone?
1.b. On the other hand, being celibate sucks.
…unless you're repressed/judgmental or religious, in which case, go ahead and pat yourself on the back again, you smug fuck.
2. People are dying to give you condescending and/or irrelevant, and almost always unsolicited, advice -- even if they were in your position not that long ago and they weren't any better at dating than you are.
Two caveats: 1. I'm aware that these advisors are operating from a good place. My heart has been shattered and they don't want to bear witness to another heart-shattering. However, the fact remains that what they're saying is probably condescending and/or irrelevant. 2. I'm a total crazypants who frequently makes poor choices, and that annoys the shit out of people sometimes. However, these grievances still do not change the fact that their advice is probably condescending and/or irrelevant, mostly because I'm a grown-ass woman whose poor decisions are her own to make.
Now that that's out of the way: Have I mentioned that your advice is probably condescending and/or irrelevant? I've been single just over two months this go-round, and already I've been advised several times on how many dates I should wait to sleep with a suitor and how long I should hide that I want marriage and babies (because you have to TRICK THE GUY into liking you and then FORCE HIM into those things!). Look, either a dude likes me or he doesn't. Rewarding the one guy who tolerated me for X number of dates with sex, or punishing that other guy for Y behavior by withholding it, has no effect on whether either of them actually likes me or not (nor will it affect whether we are fundamentally compatible). Similarly, pretending I don't give one single fuck about the future of my relationship with a dude is not going to change what my, or his, long-term goals actually are. I'm not saying I want to talk wedding color schemes on the first OK Cupid message or anything, but what is the fucking point in waiting until I've hooked a guy with my wily mind games and luscious cleavage to suddenly spring it on him that we don't want the same things? Isn't that an enormous waste of everyone's time?
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| said cleavage in question, for the record |
3. Speaking of OK Cupid/wasting time: Going from a relationship to singledom in your late 20s and beyond suddenly means that your love life is something that needs to be fixed via fix-up or Ye Olde Internets.
People started asking me if I'd signed up for [fill in any dating site] before I'd even moved out of the apartment I shared with my most recent ex. Then I started getting recommendations re: that one guy who is pretty much the only other single person we know but I should totes let him get it in because, like, he's so nice, you know? And he deserves an amazing lady such as myself. Guess what, everyone: Your one other single friend's singledom is not my problem to fix (nor is my singledom his problem to fix). I'm actually open to being introduced to potential man- or lady-friends if you genuinely believe we'd hit it off, but don't just slap together the two random rejects and hope that some genital-to-genital contact emerges from the exchange. It's not doing us a favor; it's making us feel like The One Remaining Pathetic Loser Who Can't Tie Anyone Down Without Intervention. Also, if you all just gave me a dollar instead of telling me to stop dating musicians, I'd have enough money to get, like, a year's subscription to match.com, which would be infinitely more useful, don't you think? (This particularly turdular nugget of faux-wisdom comes most often from people who are musicians themselves or who are in a relationship with one. I guess that gives them some credibility, but it's also kind of insulting to everyone involved, much like the classic "that's just how men/women are!" Maybe the real solution is to stop dating dudes with Peter Pan complexes and leave the lack or presence of musical ability out of the equation entirely? Just a thought.)
3.a. Even people who have spent my entire life telling me marriage is a sham and children will ruin my life are suddenly desperate to get me to meet some guy who lives literally 1,000 miles away, and when I'm totally not into it, I'm told that I'm too closed-minded and picky and I'll never find love that way.
Really wish I were kidding with this one. You can get hammered and tell me you've never felt more strongly about anything in your WHOLE LIFE than how destined I am to be with this random guy I probably have nothing in common with if you really, truly want to, but seriously? And if you insist on awkwardly forcing us to become internet friends, I'm going to judge the shit out of his predictable frat-bro tastes and banal Facebook posts. I bet you'd call me a hipster asshole if you had any clue what "hipster" even means. Wait, what was my point again? Oh right, shut up, and also blood is definitely not thicker than water. Or beer, apparently.
3.b. And yet, if I express any resentment or sadness over aforementioned shattered heart, people start shrieking about how OMG I AM SO YOUNG AND I HAVE SO MUCH TIME AND OMG OMG OMG NO REASON TO PANIC!!11!!!!1!111!
This might be the most irritating part of post-break-up life. Let's be real for a moment, here: It does not matter how old I am. It does not matter how attractive I am. It does not matter how smart, funny, talented, creative, generally awesome -- whatever descriptor you're in the mood to apply to me -- I am. Ultimately, I am no more likely to find my perfect partner than I am to find my perfect job. I can do everything in my power to persuade people or network or put off a certain vibe or whatever else is on the "make your dreams come true" checklist, but really I just have to believe that at some point, I will be in the right place at the right time with the right people, and all that sweet shit will fall into place. Sometimes people are fucking fabulous and still end up alone (or hating their job or whatever). I guess this is where the whole predestination/prayer thing could come in handy but fuck that noise too.
4. Much as I try to ignore it, it's often awkward to be in the noticeable minority as a single person amidst a sea of couples.
In some ways this doesn't bother me now as much as it did in my last bout of singledom, now that I'm much more confident and I have a broader circle of friends, but at this point in my life most of those couples are moving in together and/or getting married and/or procreating so never mind, it still serves as a stark reminder of how much of a failure all my relationships have been. Wow, this just got depressing, didn't it? Sorry y'all.
In sum: It's not so bad to hear, every now and then, that I am fucking fabulous and I should just do my own thing and not worry about my relationship status. I can't hate on that because it's true. On the other hand, I don't see what's so bad about acknowledging that, at some point before I get too wrinkly, I want to settle down and pop out a uterine parasite or two. So I guess the point I'm really getting at here is that unless you have some legitimately valuable advice to offer (and, more importantly, your single friend in question is clearly seeking advice), just hand us sad schmucks a beer and pat us on the back. That's really all we want (although the occasional orgasm would be nice... but that -- like every other broken thing in our lives -- is not your problem to fix, now is it?).
--MANDERSON
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37 comments:
Maybe you should move to Qatar?
I do enjoy falafel.
that's racist!
this is long, more pics of this bird putting things in her mouth though
Why is this chick so down-in-dumps about being single? She's cute and I'm p sure would not have a problem finding a date/rando to stab her guts.
Did you read the post? Therein lies the long and complicated answer to your question.
Seriously, this post is l o n g, don't expect people to read the whole thing. I would totally date you if I wasn't married though. Actually..
I love you. I think you read my mind!
Most awesome blog post ever. An excellent, witty, and humorous view into being single. I totally agree and would so buy you a beer just to hear more of your thoughts. Waaay cool. (p.s. I'm Abby's friend)
Look at this, a potential love match in the comments!
"don't just slap together the two random rejects and hope that some genital-to-genital contact emerges from the exchange"
THIS!
(1) Write article about being single
(2) Include your picture
(3) Allow comments on article
(4) Lifetime of regret and annoyance
Good post, I enjoyed reading it, but being single does not suck.
It sucks if you're a woman that wants marriage and kids.
If these are the things you want you should be working toward them.
It absolutely matters how 'attractive, how smart, funny, talented, creative, generally awesome' you are. If you've got these things, and it seems that you do - work them.
Men have enough advantages, these are some of yours. Thirty comes and so does fucking forty.
As for trickery. That too. Men can generally be a little slow and therefore fair game for any kind of gentle manipulation your sexual capital and superior intuition can work on them.
The whole thing is a trick anyway. Every date is an act of deception at some level, you're both showcasing your best side, the person you always thought you could/should be. That funny self-confident person that you try and hone on the internet.
And half the men that tell me how awesome it is to change a diaper and what I'm missing out on by having crayon on every surface below 3 feet are the exact guys that never ever talked about wanting kids or displayed a meh-like indifference to the screaming bundles of chaos. They were at some level 'tricked' into having kids, because they didn't know what was good for them.
Same goes with marriage, the same trickees now sing the praises of marriage.
You want to hear condescending? A happily married man is as smug a fucker that comes along.
If you've got the stuff, and it seems you do, the guy you like enough to 'trick' into marriage will thank you for it. One person's trickery is another's 'gentle persuasion' anyway.
Young men often only have a vague understanding of what is good for them. It's not some grand manipulation, it's taking the reigns. It's knowing the bigger picture. This is what women bring to most relationships anyway.
This is not a game for altruists or niceness. Don't play fair, play to your strengths.
Waiting 'for all this shit to fall into place at the right time' is a fairy tale. It happens to Jennifer Aniston in shit films and it is a recipe for singledom.
Anything worthwhile in life is worth working for. It goes for your career, it goes for anything your passionate about.
There's a reason they call it the pursuit of happiness and not the waiting around for happiness.
You seem like you have most of it figured out, regarding casual sex and dating musicians (don't do it - they're wannabe rock stars, which is actually failed rock stars and thereby perpetual children and undependable dreamers)
As much as you have exactly right, you have to be more than a passenger in seeking your own fulfillment, you need to be an agent, an architect.
Maybe I'm talking more about myself here than you, and I'm getting the whole tone wrong or whatever, but your post was engaging and honest enough that I wanted to contribute.
It's all just my own gasbag opinion anyway.
Good luck
--Sean
I agree with Sean. I think men often don't know what is good for them.
tl;dr but let's go out
I've been single for a few years now.
I think, "yeah I could really go for meeting a gal" I then think how blissful I've been & why would I want to ruin it. ;P
Ha ha.
But Really...
I spent a few year getting my "chi" together. I didn't feel like meeting anyone. It wasn't as though I had post-breakup vitriol going on as I did back in '03, this time it was a reflective thing, not about giving up yet more of "time to reformat the HeartDrive".
If you are motivated, it is ridiculously easy to meet anyone, anytime. If you are motivated. ;)
Whenever you want someone, Mandy...I'm sure you'll make yourself "ready".
Good Hunting & Kriya Shakti,
Rev Sully
wtf was that Sean Brody?
there's beer in my fridge for you ...
Great post, although I was kinda surprised when Manderson said she'd been single for two months. Two months is nothing! After two months out of a given relationship I'm still enjoying not having a female overseer/parole officer to constantly check in with (current girlf excepted, she's pretty chill). I agree with Sean to an extent that a dreamy hunk probably isn't going to just knock on your door - you have to get out there and meet people, and meet a lot of unappetising men in the process if you're a woman - but I also think you can't really force it; there IS an element of fate (which perhaps just means being subconsciously ready) involved. My girlfriend and I are talking about marriage at some point - it seems like we're pretty perfect for each other - but the weird thing is we had the same extended group of friends but didn't meet each other for years. Maybe we just weren't ready for each other until we were, if that makes sense. Good luck!
Also you're not struggling to find casual sex. No way. You're struggling to find GOOD REGULAR casual sex, which is something which may not even exist, like some sort of warm chocolate mousse tortilla.
(I also like Sean's advice that, yeah, you DO have to actually trick men to an extent.)
note to self: get more female writers.
note to self: get more female writers.
With less words and more pics. Black Knight away!
semi-ha.
but even more ha-ing at all the WK's above.
I am late to the pity party but guess what -- being ______ is terrible because 90% of the world is filled with bitter, jealous haters that just want to bring you (me) down! If you're single, they want you be in a relationship. If you're in a relationship, they want you to get married. (I can't tell you how many renditions of "Seriously, WHY aren't you married? There must be something wrong with you!" I sat through in my 10 year courtship.) If you're married, you better not gain 5 pounds or say no to a cocktail at dinner because EVERYONE will ask you if your preggers (btw WHY aren't you having a baby yet?). Not sure what life-choices-judgment comes once you get sperminated but my guess is you better own a house or people will wonder how your baby is ever going to grow up normal living in a 2-bedroom apartment. I liked this post, and I'm not single. Whenever one of my awesome lady friends breaks up with a dude, I am there for her if she needs to mourn, but I don't tell her how to become un-single.
p.s. ptsotl is a dating service now.
Quoting you,"..I started getting recommendations re: that one guy who is pretty much the only other single person we know but I should totes let him get it in because, like, he's so nice, you know? And he deserves an amazing lady such as myself. Guess what, everyone: Your one other single friend's singledom is not my problem to fix (nor is my singledom his problem to fix). I'm actually open to being introduced to potential man- or lady-friends if you genuinely believe we'd hit it off, but don't just slap together the two random rejects and hope that some genital-to-genital contact emerges from the exchange. It's not doing us a favor; it's making us feel like The One Remaining Pathetic Loser Who Can't Tie Anyone Down Without Intervention."
I so relate to this. I am about 7 months out of a relationship. At first my heart hurt so much I wanted nothing to do with dating, but no sooner was my bed cold that a friend of mine was suggesting a "really nice single guy" we both know. Ugh! Gimme a break. I got a better idea, if he's so nice, why doesn't she date him?
Great article. Thanks for the fun read.
Laura
Very insightful. Thank you, Mandy a.k.a. Manderson.
Here's the thing: whether you like being single is beside the point. The fact is that you ARE single. So you can waste each day moaning about what you don't have ( a man) or you can spend that time enjoying what's good about your life. If there's nothing good, your issue isn't lack of a man.
Buy this book: The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Childfree
lmao at the plug in the above comment
seriously great piece though.
Bought the book and rediscovered finger banging and saving bail money. Thanks, Eleanore.
I'm so alone.
me too :(
This post doesn't even have to be about being single. It could be about anything anyone gives advice on. Just stop doing it. No one knows shit, so take my advice and stop pretending you do and telling other people all about it.
that sounds like advice.
Yeah, but trust me, I know.
Did anyone even read the post?? People should just enjoy being who they are, instead of keep trying (or trying to help others..) to be something else... I'm 30 and single - sure, the future might involve Prince Charming and a pocketful of sprogs, but I'm too busy enjoying the present to worry about what will or won't be out there!! NB Great post; I wouldn't have whinged if it was twice as long...
Read the post? No, I just read the headline and look at the pictures. That's more than enough.
I like this....after years of reading cosmo style bs on singledom this is a great angle. Well done Sean and Manderson
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