Just posted this at Street Carnage. Go read it there. 

People read interviews with bands all the time, and they’re all basically lies. I should know, I spend most of my day trying to squeeze the barest nugget of truth out of a zombified 20-something on a crackling cell phone in a van somewhere in the middle of Whateverville, USA. Not an easy task. Unless you compare it to every single other job in the world. Plus musicians are fucking dumb.


My friend here, surprisingly, isn’t a giant retard, even though he can manipulate the strings on a guitar and sing a tune at the same time, which for some reason always seems to sap the “being a reasonable, thoughtful person” energy from the part of your brain that handles that shit. I asked my friend to talk anonymously about what it’s like being a musician who’s tasted some pretty good success, but not so much that he’s ceased being a normal person, because that way I thought there was a chance he wouldn’t make shit up the whole time. Sort of worked.


STREET CARNAGE: What do you call the job that you have, specifically? “Musician” is too broad, “rock star” doesn’t seem quite right. What are you?


MUSICIAN/ROCK STAR: I am a working musician, songwriter and artist. Nationally, I suppose. Occasionally global. This includes promotion, management, touring and other things sluts do.


Where do you place yourself on the success ladder, for context?

Certainly not high enough to get on the roof. But sometimes I get to pass ice tea to friends who are working up there on a hot day and they complain and I dig the spots where I am. I don’t have a foot on the ground and it would hurt a little in the knees to jump from where I am. On good days I can watch attractive neighbors get out of the shower on the second floor. On bad days I think if I jump, I can land in the bushes and end this bullshit.


People feel like they have a sense of what musicians do. How much of what we read in interviews is bullshit?


I’d say 70 percent of an interview is bullshit. When someone asks whether the lyrics come first or the music, I immediate want to stop talking to them. During an interview we are not only selling our product and livelihood, we are defending our purpose in life — sometimes selling our importance and artistic license and achievements to ourselves at the same time. Artists are riddled with insecurities, doubt, self loathing and delusions of grandeur. We are sometimes unsure of the song, the recording, the show, the genre, the scene, the clothing, the fans, the voice, the motor coordination. All of that is usually distilled into a paragraph or two that best sums it up for the interviewer. Unless you’re investing a couple pages and more than a 20-minute interview, you’re not getting the story.


Is there anyone you can dish dirt on? Or someone who’s been very nice and we’d be interested to hear about?


Anytime I try to talk dirt about someone I usually end up finding the same thing wrong with myself. We all got some dirt on us.


Booooringgggg. How does your time breakdown in terms of road, recording, writing? Which part do you actually enjoy?


Breakdown:
1. Thinking about music
2. Actual playing (recording, writing, practicing)
3. Planning, management, organizing, band dynamics
4. Writing
5. Road
6. Studio
7. Interviews
8. Recovering


Enjoyment:
1. Writing
2. Road/actual playing/shows
3. Recording
4. Thinking about music
5. Planning, MGMT, etc.
6. Recovering
7. Interviews


Are you trying to tell me you don’t like this interview or what? So having fans is sort of weird, right? What’s that all about?


I have no idea. I am grateful though. Even for the strangest ones. I fear some of the ones I have sometimes and covet the ones I don’t have. I don’t know who is more fucked up and weird when it comes down to it. If you like to please people, it can be tough because everyone has an opinion of what your best song, sound, look, word and / or flavor is.


Do you feel like it just ruins your ability to interact with someone as a normal human when they come up to you and say they’re a fan? Better to keep that shit to yourself and just sort of act like a regular person meeting a musician or someone that you admire, right?


Never really thought of it too much. It’s nice to know someone appreciates you. That’s why we have Mother’s Day, right? It feels good when someone says, “I listen to you.” Just like when you’re in a conversation with a person and they say I understand what you are saying.
It sucks when someone you don’t know starts giving you advice on which song, album, etc. is best, worst or how they wished you’d make your music. Or decides that you need company all night long. Those birds are rare though. I, just like anybody, have my own social anxiety quirks and sometimes it can be exhausting to talk to people, especially when the conversation is most likely going to be about yourself, if they’re fans. Then you end up on a narrative that you might not even believe in, are very sick of or just plain insecure like anyone.


You’re a well read, intelligent person. How hard is it dealing with the absolute stupidest people in the fucking world who make up the music business?


I’m sure there are intelligent journalists, therapists, teachers who have to deal with stupid fucking people in their line of work. There are stupid fuckers permeating every field. I have defeated the stupid fuckers in mine by finding the good people. Music, and probably most art, does not exist in a vacuum. Nobody does it alone. There wouldn’t be “Starry Night” if Van Gogh’s brother didn’t love him and put up with his shit. My best friend is a schoolteacher and seems to find more fuckers than I do. Politicians are way worse than music business people. I can smell them now from a mile away. I can either choose to avoid them or bend them to my will.


Do you think self awareness is a liability when it comes to “making it?” You really have to be self deluded to get anywhere, right? Just absolutely certain that you’re a golden ray of sunshine? 


Maybe. Sometimes I worry that is the case and that I don’t have enough of delusion. But then you need to have a conversation on “making it” and what that means. Some of the most self deluded people I know are the ones who haven’t made it. The bridge and tunnel musicians who play twice a month and talk down to others and think their sound would be huge if they actually tried and the “business” wasn’t so fucked up. Those who “play band” I find to be the most self deluded. I find those with modest careers are often the most humble and realistic.


I was at this music biz conference thing today. All of the people speaking on panels, representatives of the industry, from labels, to publishers, to investors, etc., were all these middle aged or old, fat, white, just shitty looking dudes. The type of guys you wouldn’t turn your back on. Does that about sum up your experience? 


No. I have met them. Worked with them for a minute, if at all, and then fired those types. I found the good-looking dudes. But you are correct, a lot of shitty people find themselves at conferences talking about the music business. Believe me, the real “music business” was busy working that day and wasn’t there. The future of the music business will always be talking about the future of the music business. Music will be happening all the while they are talking about it. I want to be where it is happening and where it’s being made. Not where it is being talked about.


You don’t seem like the debauching type, but you ever get up to some dirt you’re a little ashamed of now? 


Fuck ya. But that’s life.


Who’s the biggest piece of shit you’ve encountered along the way? Specifically. What did they do?


A band I was on tour with talked shit about me and my crew while they were on stage in Chicago because apparently we drank all their liquor. In our defense, we thought it was ours. He decided he was going to bitch about it on stage. Rule #1: Don’t talk shit about another band on stage. He also tried to hit on my tour manager every night. The kind of guy that if you ask him about his career, he would go on for hours. I wanted to break his nose after what he said. Instead I took a different approach.

I asked the promoter if I could get three more bottles for their green room. The promoter was more than willing, seeing that they were being douches. When they got off stage I profusely apologized. Showed them that I reloaded their supply and poured him a drink. Then I let him chew my ear off by his merch booth about his bullshit music. All the while my tour manager was stealing the very same bottles while packing up backstage. It was our last night with that act on tour. I still like to think of them returning to their green room wondering who took their alcohol this time. I did, fuckers. Twice.


-LUKE O’NEIL
PutThatShitontheList.com

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