Just not feeling it today. Lot of talk about buses lately, so here's another one from the PTSOTL archives, which I'm pretty sure most of you don't even realize exist. Same rules from this old bit still apply.
Back in high school I played on a football team that went 0-40 over the course of my tenure. Incidentally that's where I developed my approach toward life in general: no matter how hard you want something, you will never ever succeed, but girls will still probably want to bone you either way, so call it even. I also had the manager at my old gym ask me to start wearing underwear from now on because she had a few complaints my balls were hanging out the sides of my shorts when I was doing leg lifts. Fucking prudes. Not like I was working out in a mosque. Anyway, the point is I have some pretty extensive experience when it comes to associating strenuous exercise with crippling shame.
But neither of those things come close to the humiliation of running for a bus then missing it. Taking the bus in the first place is bad enough, but having to work in an impromptu hundred yard sprint in jeans and a coat or whatever in order to earn the privilege of riding in a failure-stained sarcophagus of perfume and fast food with the unwashed walking dead and roves of feral teenagers? That's just cruel and unusual.
You know the drill here, right? Shit! You see that bitch pulling up down the way when you're still a block or so from the bus stop. You flinch like you're ready to break out, but then you hesitate for a second. That's your internal shame meter trying to tell you something. Listen to that voice, because by this point you're fucked anyway dude. Take it like a man.
Of course you don't listen, and you start your lumbering little sprint, bag swinging wildly, pulling up your pants with your other hand if you're like me. I'm gonna make it! No you aren't.
Of course you don't make it. As if that whole run of shame wasn't bad enough you have to instinctively do a little sort of wtf dance at the end. It's like dancing sign language for "can you believe this shit?" No one sees it, which is worse. You're communicating non-verbally to no one. Maybe you yell at the bus driver or throw your hands up or something. Point is, all of a sudden you're a mime, and now you're stuck waiting another ten to seventy five minutes for the next bus to pass by.
So you're poor, you're out of breath, and you're embarrassed. (Not unlike a hockey fan walking up the steps to get another hot dog.) It'd be like if they made you do a hundred squat thrusts in line before you could pick up your unemployment check.
The only thing worse is when you try to outsmart the system by not running and it turns out you would have made it if you had only tried. Someone write that shit on my other tombstone.
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16 comments:
I feel all of these emotions when I either wait for the bus or run for it -- like first I think, "why am I taking the bus? Why doesn't a town car or something fancier take me to work?" Then I think, "you're not any better than the other people who take the bus, you asshole." Then a bus pulls up, and I get on, and I think to myself, "yes, I am better than this, even if I'm not, but I have to be better than this, because I really don't want to be 40 and sitting next to these people..."
No one is better than anyone, it's just a matter of degrees of how much we smell like fast food and how loud we talk on our cell phones in other people's faces.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7U0LWrp2P_E
^^haha
You know what's worse that running and missing the bus? Running and actually making the bus and then being all sweaty and looking around at the other bus riders with a stupid fucking grin of delight on your face like, "Yes! I did it." No, You're a loser.
HAHAHA You forgot to mention the fact that as you're flailing your arms in the air, people in their cars are probably thinking.. Wow. look at this asshole. He missed the bus. Sucks to be him.
Related funny from my youth. We had to catch the school bus at the end of my street. No big deal, I was 2 houses from the main road. The kid 10 houses down at the end of the street though? Yeah, what we did was chant "Here comes the bus. Here comes the bus." It worked. He sprinted down the street 200-300 yards only to see that the bus wasn't coming. Fool him once. The next time we did it, he gave us the finger and kept walking. And the bus came. And he had to sprint again. Ah, childhood.
Related funny from my youth. We had to catch the school bus at the end of my street. No big deal, I was 2 houses from the main road. The kid 10 houses down at the end of the street though? Yeah, what we did was chant "Here comes the bus. Here comes the bus." It worked. He sprinted down the street 200-300 yards only to see that the bus wasn't coming. Fool him once. The next time we did it, he gave us the finger and kept walking. And the bus came. And he had to sprint again. Ah, childhood.
When it's 100 degrees and humid out and you do a 1000 meter dash to get to a cramped, sweaty bus you have to stand in breath heavy on. Love it.
what's everyone doing this weekend?
pointing out typos. making typos.
only cuz i think you made the same one twice today in reverse, mr format your post nazi
try it now.
awesome list entry yo.
"No one is better than anyone"
Dude, my football team went 14-26 in high school, so I am very clearly better than Luke.
P.S. High School football on the list?
Ha. Tough call, because football is definitely not on the List. Football fans are for any number of reasons though. Talking about your high school football career most definitely is.
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