This just went up at Street Carnage. Go read that site always and forever.
We used to have this thing every Halloween when I was growing up, where mothers were scared shitless of some fake story they heard a million years ago about people putting razor blades in apples and handing them out to kids because… well, no one knows why.
People were stupid back then. They got scared about things they heard on the news that would never, ever happen to anyone they knew. Kind of like how mothers are about terrorism now — or were, anyway, before terrorism got canceled last Sunday.
So, yeah, razorblades in apples.
First of all, apples on Halloween? I grew up in the 1980s and even kids back then wouldn’t have stood for that shit. FULL SIZE SNICKERS OR GTFO.
For some reason that story stuck with me all these years. Even though they seemed to have eradicated the razor blades in apples menace by the time I came up, it always pops back into my mind every now and again when I’m eating an apple — which is never because I’m a dude — except for like five minutes ago when I gave in and ate literally the only thing besides hot sauce in my house (yup, had an apple with hot sauce).
Oh, quick detour: What about that thing where people supposedly put razorblades in water slides? Ever hear that one? I was worried about getting my legs ripped open on one of those Saw-like death traps throughout my entire childhood. Eventually I stopped worrying because once I successfully contracted syphilis and piss-water born children’s crabs, I figured there was no reason for me to go down a fucking waterslide anymore. Mission accomplished. Also, how were they getting in there? Did dude like jam it in on his own ride down so the next person would get fucked up? That’s one fun-loving sociopath.
Long story short: Everything that worrying mothers did about razor blade apples was bullshit because, meanwhile, they were feeding us bowlfuls of sugar-blasted ninja throwing-stars, otherwise known as Cap’n Crunch. Did you ever once eat that fried oat bomb shrapnel without shredding the roof of your mouth to shit? I went through my entire teens with the flesh inside my mouth looking like a Civil War soldier’s stumpy leg going gangrene under a pile of his friends’ corpses.
Today though, suburban mothers from the 1980s and killjoys like me (we have a lot more in common than you might think) can be proud because now we can add Cap’n Crunch to the list of evils we will no longer perpetrate on children, like forced cave labor or asking them to sit still for five fucking seconds in Starbucks so grumpy bloggers can drink in peace.
Life Inc reports (via my man ) that, get this, “The Soggies have finally won: Cap’n Crunch is quietly sailing into retirement.” Go on you guys with your puns!
“It appears parent company PepsiCo is forcing the good Cap’n to walk the plank.”
Wait, I didn’t actually mean go on. Ugh, OK fine. What else?
Long derided by health experts for its high sugar content -– a single serving contains 12 grams -– the cereal is no longer being actively marketed by Quaker, DailyFinance reports.
“PepsiCo is no longer marketing Cap’n Crunch cereal directly to children. In a sense, you could say that they have retired Cap’n Crunch, and that’s a good thing,” Jennifer Harris, of the Rudd Center for Food Policy & Obesity at Yale University, told DailyFinance. “Unfortunately, children continue to view hundreds of ads per year for high-sugar cereals from General Mills, Kellogg’s and Post Foods.”I guess you might say they sunk his battleship. Don’t say that though.
-LUKE O’NEIL
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3 comments:
I think of how weird this legend is everytime I hear the Misfits song Halloween. Y U NO just give candy? Easier AND cheaper than groceries!
I'd rather get a razorblade to the gob than listen to the Misfits though.
Always more of a fruit loops man meself. No mouth damage there.
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