Stuff Magazine's wedding issue is out today, and me and a bunch of the other writers chimed in on how to get married. Go read it here. My piece has some solid advice and some good recommendations for Boston-area stuff, but because it's in print, I had to shorten it by about a million words (my editor loves me), and since it's a not a sarcastic asshole blog, we ended up cutting out most of my favorite jokes. Here's the long version below, which you might like even if you aren't getting married any time soon -- in fact you might like it more if you hate the idea of marriages in general. <3 4 eva u guys.
No one gives a shit about your wedding.Sounds harsh but it's true. Unless your middle name shows upsomewhere on some pretty embossed paper, or you pushed one of thestars of the show out of your uterus at some point, none of itmatters. That's not to say no one cares about you're gettingmarried. Quite the opposite, in fact. Everyone you know isgenuinely happy about that. Hopefully.
Think about the last wedding you wentto, all of the cute little things they (the bride) probably spentmonths working on, the photos, the elaborate name tags, thedecorations. No seriously, think about it. Hard right? Because youdon't remember. What you do remember is the laughs you shared withfriends, and the look of love on the couples faces. I rememberholding hands with the woman I love and crying while I tried to saymy vows. (She was a lot more composed than me by the way).
That's what a wedding is for.Everything is a front. And yet people somehow insist on perpetuatingthis charade of refined elegance where we all pretend that we're richfor a day to impress the invisible wedding judges in the sky.
Screw them. Are you the daughter of a feudal lord bequeathing the castle toa future heir to keep the bloodline pure? No, then why are youspending like one? Also, do you have another daughter by any chance? We all know people who spend tens of thousands of dollars (usuallynot their own money, by the way) on what should ideally be a one dayparty. The only thing that costs that much that's more worthless is asemester at college. With that in mind, here's a few ways to cut thebullshit out of your wedding, and save a buck or two.
The rings
OK, on this one you're going to have tokind of break my rules here, but that doesn't mean you don't have tobreak the bank. If you're a woman and you find yourself wanting a 20kring to prove how much your husband loves you, may I direct you toour forthcoming “how to get divorced” issue. Guys, you just wantsomething that fits on your damn fat finger and doesn't look tooshowy. Ask your mom, maybe she has an old ring she's not using, oryour grandmothers ring, that they can pass down. Not only does italready come with tons of sentimental value, but it won't cost muchto get it re-fitted. Barring that, there are tons of beautiful ringsbeing made by local artists you can check find online or localantique shops. Let the bride pick out the one that fits hersense of style. Browse for them together. No one wants to wearsomething their dumb husband picked out, forever. For my bandI went to Leo Carroll Jewelers in Cambridge. The day before thewedding. It took about twenty minutes.
Invites
“Oh look, a piece of paper with fancyfonts on it,” no one said, after you painstakingly sent out allthose invites, which they then had to go return back to you inthe mail. That's like giving someone home work before your party. UsePaperless Post instead www.paperlesspost.com.It's quick and easy, and less waste as well.
The ceremony
There are tons of cute parks around thecity that you can get an easy permit for to do an outdoor wedding.Rent a few chairs, or just throw someblankets down, and do it in an outdoor setting. Ideally some placethat would be meaningful for you. Your town's public works departmentwill be able to help you here. We found Longfellow Park nearHarvard Square, which is where we've been hanging out and working our wholerelationship. Sadly it rained so we had to move inside, but it wouldhave been nice! If you're religious, that's weird, but also, noyou're not. Don't make your friends and family go to a lecture aboutmagic just because you found a roommate you want to fart next to onthe couch for life. Since you're keeping costs low, it doesn't matterif mom and dad are super into Jesus or whoever and insist upon it.Pay for it yourself. You'll feel more in control that way.
Travel
Bonus points for our location, becausewe actually live near there, as so do most of our friends. Forcingpeople to buy a plane ticket, get a couple nights worth of hotels,and rent a car isn't called a destination wedding, it's called hiringsomeone for a temp job they don't even get paid for. Keep it close tohome, or as close to everyone's homes as possible. If you doCambridge like we did The Charles Hotel www.charleshotel.com is fancy enough that your parents will like it,but cool enough that the party will enjoy it as well. But try toprovide transport for people once they've arrived if you can,especially from the ceremony to the reception.
The minister
Here's another personalizing touch youcan do, skip the impersonal minister shtick and have someone whoactually knows you do it. It's pretty easy to register in Massachusetts. We had my best friend, who also happens to be mywife's brother do it. Safe to say he knew a lot more about us thananyone else would have, which made it more touching and personal.
Flowers
Really no way of getting around thisone, especially if you're marrying, you know, a woman. Hiring aflorist seems logical, but who doesn't know how to prop up someplants in a corner? That said, a lot of our friends have had luckjust buying their own at a cute local shop like Brattle Square Florist.
The reception
This one is tricky, so you have to kindof be discreet about your intentions. As soon as you mention the word“wedding” the venue manager turns into a cartoon bank robber withcash register eye balls. Getting married at a place that “doesweddings” makes you feel like you're just another gig for theplace. Big, impersonal function rooms are depressing. What's yourfavorite restaurant? Why not go there like we did with one of ours,Chez Henri in Cambridge, or to Foundry on Elm for the rehearsal dinner (nothing really torehearse for us, but still).It was more intimate, and since they knew we've beencoming there, and would likely be back, a place is a lot less likelyto gouge you.
The bar
Open it right away. We had our ceremonyin front of people already standing there with cocktails. Weddingsare awkward for everyone there, let them relax as soon as possible.Consider having a thematic cocktail designed for the day, and serving one or two, plus beerand wine, which will also help limit the cost of an open bar. No oneneeds an open bar for more than a couple hours, by the way. That'show weddings turn into shit shows.
Food
What's the worst part of any wedding?When the cocktail hour is over, and everyone is forced to go sit downat a table with people they don't know, and never will, then remainthere for an hour or two, miserable. Instead do a buffet. It's morecost effective, and less forced-formal. It's simply not worth itspending $40 or $50 a head on a plate of unmemorable salmon servedpolitely, but perfunctorily, by a temp catering staff. People whowant to eat more can eat more, people who don't can nosh and hang outby the bar still. Everyone wins in that regard.
The cake
Again: No. One. Cares. Spending $1,000on some sugar that looks pretty is a joke. We went to JP Licks inHarvard www.jplicks.comto get an affordable, delicious ice cream cake.
Music
You're not really going to pay for awedding DJ, right? Why would you do that? Every single person in theworld is a DJ now, and you know what music you both want to hearbetter than anyone else, right? What's goofier than some 50 year olddude in a bad tux yucking it up during the reception in between spinsof the “Maracarena” and “The Chicken Dance”? Nothing, that'swhat. Make your own playlist. If you're lucky enough to have musicianfriends, maybe ask one of them to perform a song or two for you, likeI did, and like my friends usually ask me to do at their wedding.It's a lot more memorable and meaningful that way. When it comes timeto dancing, ask yourself this: do I like to dance? If the answer isno, then don't force it. No one wants to be guilted into dancing toYoung MC after eating cheese and crackers for three hours. It's weirdhow we feel compelled to transition from this formal dinner straightinto an 80s theme junior high prom. And good luck finding somethingthat both the couple and all of the older members of the family canboth enjoy.
Clothes
Remember how closely all the suits ofthe groomsmen and the dresses of the bridesmaids matched at that lastwedding you went to? Of course you don't, because no one cares. Letthe men wear their own suit, maybe get a matching tie, and for the women, do not force your friends into buying an uglypurple flower bomb of cloth that they will never wear again. Insteadlook for cute styles that look like something you'd actually wear.
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12 comments:
I think you could have saved a lot of time and characters by taking the following route:
Title: How to get married without being an asshole about it**
Copy: Do exactly what I did for my wedding - here is a list of vendors...
**Disclaimer: If you do exactly as I did, then technically, you're an asshole.
TLDR version is pretty good.
Technically everyone is going to end up being an asshole no matter which way it goes, so you might as well do what makes you happy I guess.
Getting married is pretty gay when you think about it.
Does gay mean expensive?
Gay 4 ur wife's dress. Where'd she get it? (tldr/control f'd "dress" no dice)
Thanks. She looks good bb. Got it at something called BCBG at Nee-man Marcuses or something she just told me.
Have it at the public park. Boston is light years ahead of Albuquerque. I imagine the in-laws would love the dope smoking cholos bumping that mariachi shit while eye fucking everybody.
I'd troll the restaurant with coupons just for O'Neil.
Good read all around. You nabbed an old lady with common sense. Please tell me it's the infamous coke hooer to the right.
Hey, none taken.
Ha, my missus isn't a coke whore, for better or worse.
My wife and I were married by a judge with his two assistants as our witnesses. Only about 5 people knew at the tine that the marriage was occurring and many of our friends and family still (4 years later) do not know that it occurred.
License, breakfast, lunch, and celebratory beers and ice-cream probably cost us less than $200.
Weddings are for dick-heads who need to be the center of attention.
This is my favorite one so far. I've been engaged for like a year and everyone is like wtf. Most of it has to do with how stupid the wedding "business" is. I got disgusted. I was like fuck this, I don't even want to do this anymore. I started marking the wedding spam mails as spam and writing to them to GTFO. I've decided to do everything I can myself, I have craft creative friends etc. The only thing was the venue. Looking around for one etc. We are going to have live music if anything, and a lot of places are weird about that.
Also we both hate cake, so fuck that. My ring cost 5 dollars at a thrift store in Plymouth.
The main reason I want to have a wedding is to have a celebration for me and my significant other. We are both party people, so when people found out we were planning on a wedding they were like, shit that party is going to be insane.
We throw a lot of parties and are known to be good hostsesssss people, I would like to see the wedding be like a give back to our friends and our families instead of LOOK AT USSSSS!
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