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This was just posted at Street Carnage. Go read it there.
I’ve known this guy here for most of my life, but it never occurred to me to ask him about his job. We usually talk about sports and music pretty much exclusively, and besides, who can be bothered to listen to people’s stories? Reading them is a lot easier because you can’t close your friend’s mouth by hitting the little [x] button up on the corner of his face.
Wherever you stand politically (and on this site who can tell anymore what the hell is going on), we can all probably agree on one thing when it comes to children’s welfare: Kids are really fucking annoying.
STREET CARNAGE: So what do you do for work?
CHILD WELFARE CLAIMS ANALYST: I save orphans. I make sure they have enough money for food and clothing. No, I’m not Superman, I’m a Child Welfare Claims Analyst. Basically what that means is I read federal policy and figure out ways the state can be reimbursed and how much reimbursement they can get for the money they spend on the real freeloaders of society: kids without parents. So, you know, no astronaut, but probably in the top two or three most exciting jobs out there.
I’ve known this guy here for most of my life, but it never occurred to me to ask him about his job. We usually talk about sports and music pretty much exclusively, and besides, who can be bothered to listen to people’s stories? Reading them is a lot easier because you can’t close your friend’s mouth by hitting the little [x] button up on the corner of his face.
Wherever you stand politically (and on this site who can tell anymore what the hell is going on), we can all probably agree on one thing when it comes to children’s welfare: Kids are really fucking annoying.
STREET CARNAGE: So what do you do for work?
CHILD WELFARE CLAIMS ANALYST: I save orphans. I make sure they have enough money for food and clothing. No, I’m not Superman, I’m a Child Welfare Claims Analyst. Basically what that means is I read federal policy and figure out ways the state can be reimbursed and how much reimbursement they can get for the money they spend on the real freeloaders of society: kids without parents. So, you know, no astronaut, but probably in the top two or three most exciting jobs out there.
Astronauts are kind of overrated anyway. Can you explain that in more literal terms? I don’t think I understand. Reimbursed from who, the federal government?
I can’t remember if Obama is fascist or communist this week, but basically he tells the states that if we offer welfare programs, the federal government will pay back some of the money spent on them if the programs meet certain guidelines. I do my best to make our programs sound like they meet the requirements.
What is your actual day-to-day like, besides scheming to steal my hard-earned tax dollars and give them to freeloading kids who are too lazy to get a job?
I don’t want to get too Inside Baseball here, but I’m sort of a whiz with Access and Excel — call me, ladies! -– and I’ve been able to streamline this job to a bunch of pushes of a few buttons, whereas when I started, it was mountains of data that needed to be entered by hand. Because of this, I’ve become the go-to guy with every ad hoc job around the office, and I still spend half of my day reading blogs. I’ve got so much extra time that if you don’t start posting more, I’m going to have to start reading Perez Hilton and nobody wants that.
How many claims do you have to deal with in an average month? How long does it take from when you get one in until someone gets paid?
I might have overstated my role in getting the kids the money. The kids get paid by the state no matter what and then I figure out ways to get the state money from the feds, so it’s not really individual claims I’m dealing with. But we’re talking about $100M a year that I’m responsible for, so how much I get from the feds affects how much the state can hand out.
You must have to wade through mountains of shit in this job with all the red tape.
The red tape is ridiculous. There are certain people I’m not even allowed to email without clearing it with three supervisors first, but that’s what happens when you work alongside the state and there are unions involved. Office Space came out in 1999, but nothing has changed since then.
Are you one of the good guys here, or are you trying to fuck the kids? That doesn’t sound right, but you know what I mean.
It’s an interesting question. I work for a private company that’s contracted by the state, so we are definitely working for a profit, but my company likes to frame it as goodwill. The reality is, my company found a niche that’s profitable and we get to feel good about ourselves because everything we do in the end does help the kids.
Who are the bad guys then?
Clearly the real bad guys are the parents who can’t take care of their kids, but without them I wouldn’t have a job, so thanks to them I guess? But there’s no one I’m really butting heads with, per se. I’ll try to find, not necessarily loopholes, but ways to interpret the language of policy so that the state can get more money and then the feds will do what they can to close those gaps up. There’s no one here who outright tells me to lie to try to get more money out of the feds, but there’s always a hint of a suggestion of a *wink wink, nudge nudge* to push the envelope, finding ways to exploit the system, and I’m sort of always fighting against that.
What do you think about the stereotype of welfare queens? These broads living high on the hog while the rest of us are pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps through good old fashioned American will power?
That stereotype is a reality. It’s not as widespread as most rich Republicans think it is, but I’ve seen cases where parents were taking money that’s meant for food and clothes for their kids, and spend it on other things and then come bitching for more. But I’d say most of the parents are genuinely interested in getting their kids back or keeping them or whatever. They just have some problems they need to get over before they can.
How do you identify politically? Do you think whoever is in power at the moment has a real effect on your ability to do your job?
I want to be a Republican. I really do, but Republicans make it so hard to want to side with them. Straight up capitalism makes perfect sense to me, except when it comes to certain things like health care or taking care of kids who can’t take care of themselves. You can have a problem with the way your money is used to support those kids, but how can you really be against some portion of what you make being used to keep those kids off the streets? I think we could do without most of the government programs, but it’s not like these kids could get jobs of their own. I wouldn’t want them working for me, anyway. I mean, kids are incompetent.
Do you get up close and personal with a lot of the cases you deal with, or is it more just number crunching?
It’s mostly number crunching, but there are times I have to interact with the service providers, such as residential facilities (new age term for orphanage) and I run into the kids there. I’ve seen a few kids act out, but nothing crazy. The craziness is in the case notes. I have to read over the cases sometimes to determine eligibility and the things that these kids do and/or go through is mind boggling.
What are some of the saddest stories you’ve come across? How shitty are parents out there these days? As bad as everyone thinks?
I can’t use any names, but there was one kid, who literally was named after a brand of car –- I’m talking first and last name -– who would use his little sister in a scheme to rob people. He’d have his sister stand outside of a store crying and when the person bent over to see what was wrong with her, he would sneak up behind them, smash them in the head with a brick and take their wallet. I’ve read so many stories, though, they all tend to blend together. In the cities it’s mostly drug-related and in the suburbs, it’s mostly sexual stuff. I remember going over the case notes with a new hire a few years ago and she would audibly gasp when she read that a kid was being raised by a single parent. She didn’t know what she was in for, so I had her stop reading them.
How many times a day do you want to do a sailor dive out your office window?
I’m on the 3rd floor, so I would only suffer major injury if I did that. I would need something more to finish the job. I’ve thought of ways I can rig my desk fan to start a fire with us all in the office. It’s cathartic.
I think you’re underestimating the neck snapping power of a sailor dive off of, like, a two-foot block — never mind three stories. Speaking of your office, what is the atmosphere like where you work? An average workplace, or is it different in some way we wouldn’t expect?
We’re a private company, so it’s a lot like any other company. There’s a ton of competition, with people vying for attention and responsibilities. It’s a relatively young workforce because there’s a lot of turnover.
I sit directly above [a popular bar], so it gets interesting here on Friday evenings and especially on St. Patrick’s Day. It’s the funniest day of the year. There are people vomiting and pissing in the streets, and I look over at my clock and see I’ve got an hour until lunch. Like I said before, it’s a young company, so sometimes it’s the people I work with doing the reveling outside.
Do you want to have kids of your own? Has your job changed your opinion on the matter at all?
I’ve always wanted to have two or three kids. I know I’ll be having one within a few years, but with age being a factor, I’m thinking maybe about adopting a second one. I never would have thought about that without this job. I picture myself as being like Angelina Jolie, but my secret hope is to be like Sandra Bullock in that movie where adopting a kid really paid off for her. Basically I’m saying I hope adopting a kid leads to me getting an Oscar.
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