This was just posted at Street Carnage. Go read them forever.
I’ve been living in the same apartment for about six years now. Not because it’s that great, but because there is literally nothing worse in the world than moving apartments. No offense to earthquake victims or whoever. One added bonus is that I haven’t had to deal with any real estate agents in a long time, the slimy fuckers. My man here is relatively new to the job, and it sounds like he hasn’t hardened yet. Give him time, he’ll be fucking people over before we know it.
STREET CARNAGE: What is it that you do? What is the name for your job?
REAL ESTATE AGENT: I am a licensed Real Estate Agent. In this business there are two levels. You start as a salesperson and after a few years you can go back, take more classes, take a new test and become a Broker. Think of a sales person as a hooker and the broker as a pimp. I am not legally allowed to get paid directly as a salesperson, therefore I work for a Broker who gets paid for my work, then they pay me. They also slap me around when I am not on the street a certain amount of hours a day, so there is always that. Since I am somewhat new to the business, I am working primarily in apartment rentals. Basically someone calls me, tells me what kind of place they want to live in, all the amenities, closest proximity to laundromats, grocery stores, strip clubs and I do my best to find them a place out of what’s available. I then take them on showings of the apartments and hope they decide to apply for the unit. If they choose to apply, I get all the paperwork sorted, send it to the landlord and, once approved, get the lease in order, then BAM! They have a new place and I get paid.
What sort of commission do you make?
It’s typically one month’s rent, but how I get it depends. Sometimes the landlord will pay the full amount, sometimes they will pay half of it and sometimes they won’t pay any, so the tenant has to pay. I try to discuss this with clients on the front end because I know first, last, security and fee all at once is a major ooooof.
What do you mean by “on the street?” What are you doing when you are out of the office?
The best part is there doesn’t have to be office time if I don’t want there to be any. I can do most of my work via cell phone and laptop. I mean, I do have to go in once in a while for this or that, but for the most part I can do a lot of my work at home. Hitting the streets more or less means meeting people and putting the word out. Unless you stay in the house you grew up in for the rest of your life, at some point (or many points) you are going to move. I gotta let people know that I can make that business happen for them.
What’s your impression of people in general who are looking for apartments? Are they pushy? Are they desperate now? Do you have a sense that the economy being bad has made people settle for whatever they can get?
You get all walks of life, but the main thing I found is how unprofessional people are. They don’t call, don’t show for appointments. They get aggressive on the phone, or you just have dumb conversations like this: “I saw the ad, is the place available?!” “Ummmmm which one, I advertise several a day–” “The one in Brighton. “Yes ma’am, which apartment listing in Brighton are you referring to? We have several.” It seems to annoy them that I need specifics. Then they are trying to rush you through the call. Lady, you called me, you need a place, do you want me to help you? Go to Newbury Comics and say, “How much is the DVD? The funny one.” See how much progress you make.
Then there are the unrealistic people who call and say they want a one bedroom apartment in the Back Bay with a modern kitchen and parking for $1,000, can’t pay first, last and security, and can’t pay a fee. The request is so absurd it’s hard not to laugh. Right, everyone wants the dopest place ever for nothing. Some people are realistic and some are not. Realistic people can feel free to call me anytime. Unrealistic people feel free to call anyone but me.
Other than meeting people and trying to drum up potential business, what is your day to day like?
Depends on the day, but let’s say all my clients are sorted at the moment, I would spend a good amount of the day posting ads on Craigslist. Craigslist is to an apartment real estate agent what Craigslist is to lonely people looking to bang on the missed connections page: pay dirt. We have a system that has all of our listings and allows us to click a button or two and it instantly gets posted. Pretty easy. You just have to do a lot of them because there are a ton of others like me doing the same, so the more you post, the more likely you will get called. Then once the inquiries start I begin the search. On other days, once I have received calls, I book appointments and take clients around to different units. I spend a good chunk of time driving, and then about 10 minutes or so in someone else’s apartment showing the interested party around. Probably not all that different to a drug dealer’s route. Then there are times where I am doing paperwork, picking up keys, eating pizza, smoking dukes. The best part of this whole deal is you are an independent contractor so you make your own hours. I don’t feel like working, I don’t work. However I only get paid when I get shit rented, so, yup, definitely like a drug dealer.
Yeah but drug dealers don’t make you pay first, last and security, so you fuckers are even more crooked. Have you seen anyone doing some real dirt to a client? How often are renters getting fucked?
Here is the thing, it’s the landlord making you pay first, last and security, not me. Think about this: You rent and months in you decide you are not gonna pay anymore. Straight up, don’t want to pay. Now the landlord has to evict you, that could take months and the landlord is losing thousands. Not to mention lawyer fees. If you can’t pay all of that at once, you can always negotiate but you better have some amazing credit. Renters are usually not getting fucked in Massachusetts unless they want to because there are so many rules in their favor. One of the first things I learned about was Massachusetts is a tenant’s state. In terms of the agency itself, the worst I have seen is making a client sign the agency agreement and not verbally explaining that once a deposit is put down on an apartment, if you the client want to back out, you will forfeit the deposit. I explain it out loud because having a huge fight over it isn’t worth it, but some people are adamant that since it’s written, the client should know. I have seen beefs in the office over this with other agents. Who needs that?
How did you find your way into this job? Is it something that you always wanted to do?
I took the same route that all successful men have taken: I took advice from a 20-year-old kid I knew. Now mind you, I have a lot of family members who are in real estate and you would think that one of them might have told me it was a career option, but instead I waited 32 years and talked to a kid, in college, that said he was going to do rentals. I know what you are thinking, my family are douche bags, and you are wrong. They are just dicks. Anyway, he explained what was involved in getting into the business and it really was pretty easy, all things considered. I don’t mind talking to people and dealing with strangers, so it was pretty easy to get into. I like the idea of having my own business, which is essentially how this works. Even though you work in an agency, you are more or less on your own.
Is there a lot of training involved?
No, that’s the worst part. You really need to just go out and do it and you are going to make some mistakes. You can watch videos and read books, but most of them are based on getting more business, which is obviously important. But doing the day to day stuff is trial and error. To give you an idea of the training up front I received, you had to take a 24-hour class in which they go through a 400-page book worth of material. They only kept us 16 of those 24 hours, so needless to say I just had to study the book a lot. My office has training classes and posts videos online so I try to attend and watch the videos as much as possible. Mostly I try and just learn from when I fuck up.
You’re something of a ladies’ man. You ever get into a nervous situation showing an apartment to anyone? Are there like specific ethical guidelines you have to agree to or something that says “Don’t fuck the clients?”
Not really. I have been working the off season and most of the clients I have had have been married. The busy season is just starting so check back with me around September and I will let you know all those stories. As far as ethical guidelines, I am sure some exist but people hook up in the office all the time. My office just so happens to be someone’s apartment, so come to think of it, I am pretty lucky.
What are the euphemisms you use to make a place sound better than it is? Cozy means really fucking tiny, of course. What else though?
Here is the thing: I don’t try to sell anyone on anything because my inventory is huge. You don’t like this place, no doubt, let’s go look at ten more. You will like something and if you don’t, your expectations are fucked up and you probably wouldn’t have rented something with me no matter how long we look. I have heard loads of stories of aggressive agents and them trying to sell places, and people seem relieved that I take a different approach. I tell them straight up, if you don’t like it, let’s move on because it would suck to live in a place you hate. As I get more into home sales I will have to turn the choochiness on and get down to selling as there is way more money at stake. You can make mad loot if you are good.
After you’ve rented a place, is the whole thing out of your hands? You have nothing to do with it anymore, right?
Yeah, pretty much. Once the lease is signed and all the payments are sorted everything after is between the landlord and tenant. I always check in once the client is moved in to see if everything is OK as a courtesy, but there is probably little I can really help them with at that point. I just do it to be nice. Unless it’s a hot broad who needs a light bulb changed. I follow up on that no questions asked.
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6 comments:
bang!!! bang!!!!
Come again?
I am never moving again, I don't care if I find a mansion on top of a space mountain for $400 a month. Fuck that. Plus paying a guy to get your shit up the mountain? NEXT>
keeping it real estate.
real (estate) talk.
Real estate agents sometimes hear complaints because much of the work they do is either behind the scenes, or is not visible simply due to the fact that much of their value-add comes from their industry experience and their network of industry contacts. When I was searching for apartments for rent in Boston I had a really tough time because it was a new city, I didn't know my way around, and I didn't know the different areas/neighborhoods. In my case, having a local agent's help saved me a ton of time and stress.
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