It was the most excitement they've seen at the Burlington Mall since Shaq galumphed through last year and that bitch Tammy did she-knows-what outside the food court when yesterday they shut the whole shit down after a guy with a rifle shot the place up an umbrella walked around, doing nothing. The Globe reported:
Police responded in force today to a report of a man with a rifle at a mall, evacuating shoppers and calling in a SWAT team as worried workers locked themselves into stores. But it turned out that the man was only carrying an umbrella.
Police said the umbrella, which had a samurai sword-style handle, did look like a rifle, and they didn't fault those at the Burlington Mall who had reported the man.
“It was interpreted to be a gun by five different people,” said Burlington Police Chief Michael Kent. “We are always telling people to be vigilant. This is what we want.”
It's just like I always say, if you see something (stupid), say something (stupid).
The police praised the mall workers for "being perceptive and vigilant", but it's possible they don't really understand what the word perceptive actually means.
Chief Kent praised the man, whom he would not identify, saying he had helped to bring the crisis to a quicker end by contacting police. "We appreciate that he put an end to it a lot sooner," he said. The man still has his umbrella.
I love the sentence that ends that paragraph for some reason. But just when I thought it couldn't get any better, the article, which is a fine piece of reporting, no question, ends with this kicker to bring it all home:
The Burlington Mall was used as the setting for the Kevin James comedy movie "Paul Blart: Mall Cop."
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3 comments:
sometimes i don't even wait to see something (stupid), i just blaze on out and say something (stupid) for no reason.
true story.
I can vouch for that!
The gun looked more like a samurai sword, which is a little more scary I think What would you rather get chopped up by, a sword or a bullet? Thought so.
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