First babies were smoking dukes, then they were puffing j-bars and swearing, and now they're getting shit-faced at Applebees, all of which is funny and horrible or whatever you want it to be, but the real amazing part of this story is the news reporter's copy. Listen to this shit and see how many awful ball-crunching turns of phrase my man here tries to land. He just keeps throwing up brick after brick after brick. "Fifteen month old Dominic Reese just wanted some apple juice. Instead -- he just got juiced up."
"You could call it an Applebees accident, [because of alliteration] but a metro Detroit mother says this is no laughing matter [what is this referring back to? Where was laughter implied?] Not when her toddler was served booze. They say it's eating good in the neighborhood [I recognize that slogan! I'm engaged now!] but cops [good transition] are more interested in the drinks this restaurant serves. [Despite the marketing tagline? Come on.]"
Oh oh, I got one! "You could say this mother. Wants her baby...back." Fuuck. Wrong place. How about...um....um "When you're here, you're Family (is drunk)." Shit, this is harder than it looks.
MADISON HEIGHTS, Mich. (WJBK) - A big scare for an Oak Park family, their toddler was accidentally served alcohol in a kids meal at Applebee's. After a few swigs from his sippy cup, the 15-month-old boy needed a ride to the hospital. Taylor Dill-Reese says her son started acting strangely after drinking what she thought was apple juice. So, she tasted it and discovered the cup contained an alcoholic margarita mix.
I know we're supposed to be worried about the state of our children or whatever here, but fuck those deadbeats. How about these retarded newscast copywriters. Who is putting the tequila in their apple juice?
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9 comments:
I really wanted to come up with a couple more restaurant chain slogan zingers, but I literally can't think of any because my taste in restaurants is so impeccable.
Nuthin wrong with Dill-Reese gettin his swerve on. And this Simon Sheykat guy hates himself. When's the suicide report of John Corbett coming out, btw?
Wait, did Aiden kill himself!? Not that I, uh... know what show he was on.
This newscaster's hands are in and out of his pocket. Probably looking for...
A) Self-respect
B) New copy
C) Sippy cup with delicious tequila
D) iPhone to check-in to that Applebees on Foursquare to unlock the lunch special
Ha! I can't decide which of those I'd like the most right now.
"He dozed off a little bit and woke up and got real happy."
First time that's ever happened to anyone at Applebees.
I've gotten diarrhea there a few times if they helps. I've also never spelled that work correctly on the first try ever.
this kid needs to work on his tolerance. he's not going to make it far in metro detroit if he gets drunk off a couple sips of weak ass pre-mixed margs at the 'bee's!
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