The Boston Phoenix' 100 Unsexiest Men of 2011 issue is out today, and it's a pretty impressive collection of cretins, boners, and lickspittles. It's got everyone from predictable fuck faces like Ashton Kutcher and Donald Trump, to disappointing music bros like Tyler, the Creator, Skrillex, Gucci Mane, and next-level ass dicks like Brett Ratner, Guy Fieri, and literally every other dude that gave you the creeps this year except for your boyfriend and me.
Here are a few of my picks below. Go check out the full list here, and vote for the homeboys that shriveled up your metaphoric, or actual, ovaries real good with their year of douchebaggery.
79 Frank Miller
You know that super-powered comic villains don't exist, right? Apparently Frank Miller, the famed, and once-beloved comics auteur has been reading too many of his funny books. The churlish old libertarian dick has taken a turn toward the blatantly racist in his new Islamophobic graphic novel, Holy Terror, in which a Batmanesque character defends the world from the marauding Islamic horde. But the icing on the crank cake came with his rant against the "louts, thieves, and rapists" of the Occupy movement, writing, "Wake up, pond scum. America is at war against a ruthless enemy." A true hero for our times.
78 Alez Torres
Sex is thrilling. Jumping out of an airplane is thrilling. Put the two together and you get...well, one of the more surprisingly un-sexy stunts of the year. That's what happened when porn star and part time skydiving instructor Alex Torres and his comely young assistant Hope Howell filmed themselves generating a little in-flight turbulence of their own, giving an entirely new meaning to Superman-ing that hoe. And you thought the mile high club was unsexy enough in an airplane shitter.
66 Rex Ryan
There's nothing sexier than success, but unfortunately for the loudmouthed New York Jets coach, that's been hard to come by this season. The only thing less sexy that watching Sexy Rexy putting his foot in his mouth — the league fined him $75,000 for telling a heckling fan to "go fuck yourself”— is watching him put actual feet in his mouth, like in the home videos that surfaced last year (but will haunt us forever). If that's not vomit-inducing enough, how about this quote on the gastrically altered coach's post-Thanksgiving meal. "The lap band was in trouble," he said. "It got stretched out. I was stretching that bad boy out." Yikes.
49 El Pres
Anytime we need a reminder that this is in fact still a bro's world, we just hop on over to Barstool Sports. At Barstool, the local Internet's number-one source for copy-pasted news stories and videos of people hurting themselves, every woman is a slut offered up by El Pres (a/k/a Dave Portnoy) for the discerning boner critiques of the buffalo-wing-and-hand-lotion-fisted horde of devoted Stoolies. And this year, Portnoy managed to outdo himself in the ickiness department with one big scoop: posting pictures of Tom Brady's naked son and his (apparently) impressive baby dick, under the caption "Check Out the Howitzer on Brady's Kid" — a stunning move douchey enough to give away the answer to one of the site's recurring features, "Guess That Ass." Portnoy, the ass is you.
6 Tyler, the Creator
Did you know that Tyler Okonma, the frontman for the horror rap group Odd Future (making rape jokes and homophobia cool again for white suburban skateboarders since '10) was a very young and famous person? If not, allow me to direct you to his Twitter @fucktyler, where he will remind you of those facts every 10 seconds in between his dump-taking exploits. The shock value of the (we think probably) intelligent rapper may just be an epic troll job, but even worse is how quickly it got boring.
brought to you by
4 comments:
Pretty good list. Pitbull and Obama should be in the top ten though. Glad to see you didn't make this one, O'Neil. What kind of lowlife scandalous shit has ICP done? Compared to the other 99 slobs they're not that bad.
Henry Rollins should be somewhere in the nineties. Not that he's a terrible person but shut the fuck up for 2 seconds old man. Christ.
Did Rollins do anything particularly douchey this year aside from his normal, every year douchiness?
Nah he's just over saturated like FM classic rock station play lists. For the 7000th time today it's Sabbath and Paranoid! I'm kind of torn on Rollins. Musically some of my favorite shit but then he starts talking. Bless his heart. He's so gray, wrinkly, and opinionated. I rank him right up there with Lewis Black. Elderly angry whities are the worst windbags ever.
Post a Comment