Dear InandOut Records,

Thank you for your recent shipment of the vinyl version of The Michael J. Epstein Memorial Library's _Volume One_. I have been extremely eager to hear these beautiful songs on crisp, clear vinyl, as they were meant to be heard. I have one concern. The vinyl I have received is very small - smaller than a standard 7" and doesn't seem to play properly on the turntable. The needle simply slides right off and just makes a horrible noise.  While I might expect this type of sound quality for a Merzbow album, for example, I don't believe this is the correct stylistic fit for the current artist. I even tried playing it on my Philco Ford Hip Pocket Record Player as that appears to play records more of the appropriate size (see attached image). Still no luck. Perhaps there is some difference between American record players and Austrian players. Alternatively, it is possible that the record I have received contains a very short Throbbing Gristle song and is simply mislabeled. Please advise if I need special equipment to play this record or if I have received a misprinted item. Thank you very much for your assistance!

Yours in Science,
Michael J. Epstein

Thank you for your reply and your willingness to field test this very strange record. Unfortunately, I spent all of my money purchasing this album. I had saved up my GRIT Magazine sales profits for over a year to hear these wonderful sounds on vinyl. Admittedly, I was able to also use GRIT points to obtain an aquarium full of sea-monkeys, but they don't seem to have a very high resale value. As I cannot pay shipping and you do not offer pre-paid shipping on this defective (or possibly Throbbing Gristle mislabeled) product, would you be willing to accept a pre-paid shipping scenario in which I included my family of sea-monkeys. If you do accept this offer, I would actually appreciate if I could keep Marvin the Sea-Monkey as he is a great conversationalist. I believe that I should be able to seal the sea-monkey aquarium with duct tape and there presumably would be no leaking in shipment. Thank you again for your assistance on this matter.

Don't Stop Believin',
Michael J. Epstein

Thank you for your kind reply. The sea-monkeys were relieved to hear about your response. Marvin told me that he would be lonely if I had sent the rest of his family overseas. We celebrated with extra algae that evening. Unfortunately, his relief was short-lived. I did contact the company CD-Baby as you suggested to make a similar sea-monkey offer. I was worried that I would be communicating with toddlers when I first called them, but I was greatly relieved to find an adult on the other end of the phone. Well, I couldn't verify their age as they would not give me any personal information, even when I asked nicely. Still, the voice was at least a teenager or perhaps a pre-teen who had gone through puberty. I suppose it might have been a child talking through a voice disguiser that made him sound older. Regardless of their age, they seemed very reliable. They told me that they would gladly accept the sea-monkey family, even without Marvin, in exchange for the item's return. After a farewell party with monkeycake and plankton punch, the sea-monkeys were off on a trip to the west coast. They sent a few postcards on the way and seemed to enjoy the journey. After they arrived, upon investigation, the adult baby informed me that the the item was indeed very defective vinyl and that it was in a format not appropriate for play on turntables at all. They told me I might not have this special kind of player (a seedy player) that handles these special records called seeds. They suggested that I speak with you. They did offer to relay the sea-monkeys to you in exchange for resolving this issue, but they asked if it would be possible to keep Marvin's first cousin Gertrude as apparently the staff there has taken quite a liking to her. Marvin is actually quite sad and misses Gertrude a lot - he was terribly fond of her. I am thinking that perhaps I should just reunite them all. It was probably a mistake to separate them. I know I would not want to ship my sisters off to a far-away place. That is actually not completely true. I would like to ship one of my sisters off, but the other seven, I would greatly prefer for them to stay in our cottage. Would you like for me to have them send the whole family (without Gertrude of course) and to have Marvin travel to meet you as well?

Thinking of you,
Michael J. Epstein

When we put the needle down, it made a horrible noise and slid all around. It didn't sound like the harmonious and lush music that we expected at all. Instead it sounded like Throbbing Gristle (maybe it is a misprinted record?). Upon contacting InandOutrecords, they suggested mailing it back to them in Austria at my expense. I explained that I could not afford such a mailing as I had spent all of my money that I had saved selling GRIT magazine on the record. I also mentioned that my only other liquid possession was my sea-monkey friends. While I did not want to part with them, after much discussion, the sea-monkeys agreed that they could use a change of scenery from here in dank New England and might enjoy a journey to Europe. I very kindly offered to send their tank overseas to cover postage costs. Of course, I couldn't send Marvin the sea-monkey as he is too good a conversationalist.

I heard back that although the sea-monkeys were a nice gesture, they could not be used for currency in Austria. As I am unfamiliar with their monetary system, this was not previously known to me. In school, we spent no time on this matter. They did suggest that I contact CDBaby, their source for this record.

After great relief in finding that CDBaby was not actually a real baby, but rather an adult...or at least a child that had gone through puberty...or maybe an advanced smartphone application that performs voice modultation, I found out that they did not offer this Vol. 1 on record, but rather in some archaic format called a seedy. As I don't have a seedy player - what they suggested I would need, I simply must request that this item be replaced with the vinyl version as promised in the original purchase.

Thank you so much for your assistance. I look forward to receiving my vinyl and the return of my sea-monkey family from their visit to CDBaby. I know that Marvin is probably going to cry when he sees Gertrude again. He is very emotional.

May the force be with you,
Michael

It is true Mr. K (or may I call you Yokesh?), that the item I ordered from inandoutrecords wasn't what I arrived defective. One of my sea-monkeys, Madeline, has the last name K. also. Is she related?

Your return center says I must contact customer service and cannot directly file a claim. I hope that you will help resolve this as I am now hearing rumors of terrible and difficult living conditions for the sea-monkeys in Oregon. Apparently, they don't have the same protective labor laws as here in Massachusetts. I am very worried and would appreciate immediate assistance.

Thank you!

Chutes and ladders,
Michael

Hello,

I'm sorry to hear the item you received doesn't met your expectations.

I've checked your order #102-3749302-3834612  and found that you placed this order with inandoutrecords, one of our registered third-party sellers on Amazon Marketplace.
...
If in andoutrecords  isn't responding to your requests for a return address or pay return shipping cost, please feel free to donate or dispose  the  music--whichever is most convenient for you.
...

Best regards,

Nandha Kumar
Amazon.com

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From InandOut

 
Dear customer,

we have received your A - Z guarantee claim.

You will have send back the item on your expense and we will issue a refund for it afterwards.

Our return label is not working in the US unfortunately. We ask you for your understanding.

regards,

"Tristan Diesel"
Inandout - Distribution GmbH

Once again, I like to put a face to the name.This is the best picture I could find of someone named Nandha Kumar. Violin players do frighten and intimidate me. I will now assume that this is who I am talking with at Amazon.

Hello friend,

There must be some confusion here. Amazon.com representative Nandha Kumar told me that he was "sorry to hear the item you received doesn't met your expectations," and that "if in andoutrecords isn't responding to your requests for a return address or pay return shipping cost, please feel free to donate or dispose  the  music--whichever is most convenient for you." As I am not a fan of Throbbing Gristle and neither are Marvin nor Gertrude (who is still in Portland by the way), I am going to follow Nandha's suggestion. Frankly, while I do want to go with your wishes, Nandha has exhibited unstable behavior in the past and I am scared for my safety. If I were to return this record without a return label, Nandha would be very angry. You wouldn't like Nandha when he is angry. Confidentially, I had been talking with Yokesh K. before Nandha and I think Yokesh may have been forcibly "removed" by Nandha. What else could explain the rapid changeover? Yokesh seemed concerned for Marvin and Gertrude's safety, but Nandha just doesn't seem to care. Mistreatment of animals is a sign of psychopathic behavior and I just am not sure what to think. Please don't tell Nandha that I told you this. Unless you can offer guaranteed protection from Nandha, I am just not sure what I can do.

In fear,
Michael J. Epstein

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Dear Mr. Epstein,

as we do not seem to find a solution this way and you already filed an
A-Z guarantee claim with Amazon, we will wait for their solution proposal.

Best regards also to your sea monkeys,

D------ S-------
Online-Sales
---------------------------------
Inandout - Distribution GmbH
Otto-Baumgartner-Strasse 10-11
8055 Seiersberg
Austria

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Dear General S--------,

Thank you! Gertrude and Marvin will be very flattered that you remembered them during this difficult time of oppression under the thumb of Nandha Kumar. Nandha's forces have grown strong. Those below him do not remember the times he behaved erratically and they have given their allegiance to him. It is perhaps out of fear that they yield to his every command. Nonetheless, I am certain that we don't have much time left before we will be enslaved by Nandha, digging in dangerous mines so he can uncover ancient, secrets buried and forgotten. I had thought that agreeing to Nandha's initial request that I "feel free to donate or dispose  the  music--whichever is most convenient for you," would be enough to quell his taste for blood, but quite the opposite. After I donated the music, he became furious. He immediately put out a call to eradicate sea-monkeys. He blamed them for spreading disease and destroying the world economy. High-commander Kumar has said these tiny, gentle creatures are the spark that has caused chaos and damaged our structure, order, and universal meaning. While I understand his religious argument against the creatures as they were selectively bred and were not among God's initial creations, I am certain that if Nandha spent some time training them to do tricks and play baseball (or perhaps cricket in his country), he would have a different perspective. He needs to walk a few miles in a sea-monkey's shoes. I think we could all benefit from that in fact. We'd really learn a lot by spending some time on the other side of those tiny plastic magnifying glass bubbles on their tank. I do hope you are able to resist the advances of Nandha's forces and that you stay strong in this difficult time. I also hope that Nandha does not try to use A-Z guarantee claims to leverage his power. I look forward to resolution, but not if that resolution requires us to bow down and accept High-commander Kumar as our leader. I just cannot accept such a solution. I have to resist, for Gertrude's and Marvin's sake. I hope you understand and I hope we can stand strong together against oppression. Stand together or fall apart!

¡Viva la Revolución!
Michael J. Epstein

--------------------------------------------

Artist's Rendition of "Tristan Diesel" possessed by Nandha Kumar

Dear Mr. Epstein,

please send back the item to the following address:

Inandout - Distribution GmbH
Otto-Baumgartner-Strasse 11
8055 Graz
Austria

We will be happy to issue a refund after we will have received the returned parcel in our distribution centre.

regards,

"Tristan Diesel"
(Inandout Distribution)

--------------------------------------

Colonel "Diesel", 

It is clear that your forces have been compromised as you have not used the secret codeword that we agreed upon. As is the protocol during wartime, I must cease communication with you. Our analyses have indicated a high likelihood of a Kumarian trap. You are probably tracing our IP from this message to determine our location. I must warn you, however, that I have sent this message via a roving connection, so you will not be able to find me at the location determined. I assume at this time that all communications from you are actually from Nandha Kumar or his henchmen. I do hope you are liberated quickly and that you are not treated badly. There are rumors among the people here that the Geneva Conventions have been suspended and that men are being tortured for information.

Thus, everyone may be compromised. I am therefore taking my vinyl and heading to an underground bunker in an undisclosed location. I hope to return once this all runs its course. 

Stay Strong!

Michael J. Epstein

----------------------------------------

From: "Amazon.com"
To: ""
Subject: Refund on order 102-3749302-3834612

Hello,

We're writing to let you know we processed your refund of $28.54 for your Order 102-3749302-3834612 from inandoutrecords.

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Summary: I ordered our album that was sold on vinyl, but didn't exist on vinyl via Amazon. InandOutRecords ordered it from CDBaby and had it directly shipped to me. I earned about $6 from CDBaby. I received a full refund and got to keep my own CD. Additionally, the album has been removed from sale listings by InandOut on both Amazon and on their web site. My original plan was actually to order it again from their web site as it was listed until very recently, but now it has since been removed.

Moral: Don't be a jerk and sell my album (that doesn't exist) for an exorbitant markup.