Well first I have to thank Darfur. Hearing celebrities talk about this really opened my mind. I’m still not entirely clear on what’s going on down there, but I definitely know that I could be doing more than not doing anything at all. I also need to thank the liberal media. Without reading a quarter of the articles in The New Yorker and The Economist, I would never be so well informed and indignant. Of course, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. Without laughing at your show when my friends do, it would be impossible to memorize and re-iterate your material at parties. As always, I need to thank any minority that is successful in the public sphere. I’m not supposed to thank Bono because liking Bono is not “cool,” but really he has done a lot for charity. To my gay, black, Jewish, physically and mentally disabled facebook friends… keep on keeping on, you know?

I’m forgetting so much. I would NOT like to thank my trust fund. Really? Do you know how awkward it is when my poor friends bring you up? It’s bad enough I don’t have any student loans. I’m forgetting myself. Ahem. Above all, I have to thank my similarly entitled wealthy liberal brethren. Without you guys, I could never live my lavish lifestyle that includes fleeting (yet crippling) moments of liberal guilt.

This one’s for you guys!