If we're being honest here, there's a lot to be thankful for when it comes to cellphones. The proliferation of amateur porn, for example. The relative ease of doing dirt on the fly for another. And how else would you get those seven texts from your boy progressing from “on the way” to “running a little late” to “not gonna make it tonight, bro” if we weren't all running mobile game?

But the central paradox of contemporary cell phone use drives us insane. How is it possible that no one we've called in the past five years has ever once answered their phone, and yet every single real life encounter we have with our friends revolves around them staring at the screen of their phone the entire time?

Look, this whole interacting in person thing makes us a little nervous too. We'd rather be trolling message boards online at home or having this exact same conversation on facebook so other people could watch it, but can't we pretend for an hour that we're interested in each other's bullshit? Tell me about your...job, or...wife or whatever.

We finally know what it's like to be a chick with big tits. Eyes up here, pal.

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